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This is the part of awakening that nobody warned me about. There is an internal and then there is an external. Interally, awakened women are going through a lot. It literally feels like a ego/soul death. It's a total rewiring of not just a person's life, but a person's mind, heart, soul, everything. On the outside, nobody sees that. Externally, people will judge you based off what they see. And what is it that they will see? They will just see a woman going through a divorce-

Do you want to know how bad it gets? It gets really bad. Sometimes I wonder to myself- how did I make it this far? I have spent countless days thinking about Rafiq. Days turned into weeks, and now weeks into months… and I am still not over him. It feels impossible. I have tried everything. I tried to stop fantasizing. I cut off music for some time. I stopped reading our old text messages. I tried blocking out any thought of him. I stopped imagining the future. Nothing works.

I am so tired. So tired of going back and forth on literally everything. If you feel like you’re constantly at war with yourself, just know: it's normal. This has been my reality for a while now. I guess that is the point of an awakening. It's not a "one and done" sort of situation. If it were that easy to make up your mind and move on, it would defeat the entire purpose of this journey. Just last week, I was mentally done with Rafiq. Truly done. I told myself: no more fantas

In this journey, I focused so much on trying to figure out what my outcome would be. Is it Rafiq? Is it another man? Am I meant to be single forever? Will I find love again? Eventually.. I will get the answers to all of these questions. It may take a long time, but one day- I will know. However, there is one question that has crossed my mind hundred's of times.. and no matter how much I analyze it, over think it, try to figure it out.. I know that I will never know the answer

This is a big one. I didn't realize it, until now. Before my Paris trip, anytime I read stories of other awakened women and how Allah gives that woman either release (to let the masculine go) or the reunion (he comes back and expresses his heart).. I would always flinch at the thought of release. This used to happen a lot. In my mind, I could only imagine reunion. The thought of release was painful to me. It almost sounded like a bad word.. I couldn't get myself to think of i

Allah's silence- It feels brutal. At some point everything quiets down. So completely that it feels like nothing is happening at all. And strangely, it makes me miss the times I used to feel annoyed and overwhelmed by signs. It makes me miss all the times in Paris and Strasbourg when my body felt alive with constant sensations. I miss when every other thought seemed charged with meaning. When colors, symbols, words, and names felt unavoidable. At the time, I felt overstimulat

The past few days I started getting an overload of signs. At first I kept telling myself to ignore them and how I need to move forward with my life and stop overthinking the signs.. But the signs become way too much to ignore. They're constant. My signs include phrases like.. leak, spill, slip, drunk, rage, low, pierce, explode, sick, tears, fights, caught, videos, audios, and many more.. At the same time I've been getting signs of "girls", "cheat", "betray". I am not sure wh

So I'm leaving my parent's home and staying with my cousin and her husband.. They have a room available, which feels like exactly what I need right now. More than anything, they’re busy with their own lives-and that alone gives me the space I’ve been craving. Space to finally sit with everything that’s happened over the past few months without feeling watched, questioned, or rushed. I love my family deeply, but I had to make this move for my own sanity. I’ve just left my husb

I got back from my Paris trip a few days ago and returned to my family. When I first had the dream instructing me to leave my marriage, I was in denial thinking that I will simply go back to my family's house and stay there until I get re-married again, if i get re-married again. I imagined it would be calm. Peaceful. I pictured myself resting, spending time with my parents and siblings again, writing in quiet, and slowly settling into my “new” life. I was completely wrong. I

There's a pattern to awakenings. I’m starting to understand that now-slowly, painfully, as I live through it. It often begins the same way: The man pulls away. The woman is left devastated. Then the awakening begins. The woman is shown that this is the one. The soulmate. The divine love written for her. After this point, the woman likely spends many months obessing, fantasizing, and day-dreaming about this love.. She believes this love is sacred- that Allah showed it to her b

You know it's crazy to think back to the days I spent crying and being anxious in Paris/Strasbourg. I spent majority of the time crying..sobbing.. longing..replaying memories of Rafiq and I.. trembling internally.. feeling outright horrible. While it was happening, it was the worst feeling ever. Even when nothing was on my mind, it's like my body was still shaking from the inside. I couldn't control it. But that's not the point. While I was in it, I spent all that time beggin

After staying in Paris, I headed over to Strasbourg- a quiet beautiful city in France. I spent a few days there as well and similar to Paris; my emotions were super raw. I was crying constantly, no matter where I was. My last night in Strasbourg was when I hit my first real breaking point. I didn’t expect it to get that bad. I was in so much pain. I remember sitting alone in my hotel room, throwing things around. Sitting on a chair, completely losing it. I had been patient f

It was only Day 3 in Paris; my last day before I left for Strasbourg. And that's when I experienced my Paris moment. After getting ready, I decided to take my airpods.. I didn't understand why, but I had a feeling I'd need them. I honestly thought it was for my own relaxation since I'm into music. I stopped by the same breakfast spot that I had gone to the day before.. the breakfast spot had Rafiq's name on it with the word "Original". The name of the spot was "Rafiq Original

I am finally at the point where this sentence resonates with my heart. Trust me, I wanted Rafiq badly all these months. Not a single day has passed where I did not think about him or dream of reunion. Not a single day. There comes a point when the pain becomes unbearable and you miss feeling normal again. When I say normal, I don't mean.. away from this awakening. I would not trade my awakeing for anything in the world. When I say normal- I mean not waiting around for a man t

Within a few days of arriving, it finally hit me what the true purpose of this trip was. This was my first solo trip ever.. And it wasn’t about sightseeing or taking cute pictures. It was about something much heavier, much deeper. It was the first time since my awakening began that I was truly alone. No noise. No distractions. No family. No routine. No one to run to. Just me. And Allah. And that's when it hit me how much my heart had not processed. On the surface, my days in

I started getting signs for Paris and for a small French city called Strasbourg. I knew it meant something, but I kept ignoring it off. But the more I ignored it, the louder the signs became.. Until one night, I decided to book the ticket for Paris. I planned to go by myself. My first solo trip ever. I didn't mention it to anyone, not even my parents, because I knew I was meant to go alone. I packed my bags with zero idea what Allah had planned for me. But the moment I got t

The first time I ever thought about wearing hijab was during my trip to Turkey with Zaria; back when my awakening quietly began. Something inside me shifted there. I remember feeling, for the first time, that I wanted my external to match my internal. But when I came home, I kept delaying the decision. Honestly, out of all the rulings in Islam; wearing hijab was the hardest one for me. It's more than just covering hair. It would change my lifestyle, my identity, how I dressed

Before I came to my family's house, Allah started showing me new signs. It started right after my trip to Pakistan, while I was still living with my husband. I call them the signs of Mr. T... Up until that point, every sign I had ever received pointed only toward Rafiq. So when the signs suddenly shifted, I panicked. I remember thinking: What is happening? Why is everything flipping? I had read about signs flipping for awakened women; that sometimes Allah redirects their hear

Facing my family was one of the hardest parts of this entire journey. I went into it knowing I had no real “story” to give them. I had nothing to say. And I definitely couldn’t tell them the truth- Rafiq, my awakening, the signs, the unveiling. They would never understand it. If anything, they would think something was wrong with me. How would I explain to them.. that I want to leave a good man? There was nothing bad I could say about my husband. My marriage wasn’t terrible.

Nobody talks about the pills of awakening. Not medicine-like pills, I mean the hard pills of awakening. In the beginning, it seems magical, amazing, fun-almost with all the signs and magical moments. It's been few months since my awakening journey began and I realized each chapter is revealed.. with time. And sometimes Allah waits for the hard parts when you're ready for it. There are many pills of awakening a woman has to swallow. I will go ahead and explain it here. The fir