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Missing your old life is normal. There are days I wake up and question the decision to leave my marriage. I took the biggest decision of my life and as sure as I was and am.. it's still scary. I wake up and just miss the old me. I miss my old life. The structure that it had. Yes, I wasn't fully at peace with my marriage. Yes, there was emotional betrayel. But I just miss having the stability, the structure, and a companion.. There are days when I miss my husband.. alot. It's

If you have been reading my blogs, you know that I wrote a lot about my awakening experience, the signs, love, heartbreak.. But with this blog, I will write about the purpose of this pain. It's rarely talked about. Let's put awakening, signs, heartbreak, all of that to the side.. Why are you experiencing this soul-shattering pain? I honestly don't know what other words to describe this pain. I know it sounds scary, but I have gone through so many nights where I just wanted t

Well- I did not see this coming. I feel like I got hit with an idea out of nowhere. As you know, I’ve been making tasbihs for the past few months. At first, it was just two. Then slowly I kept making more. Once a week or so. I told myself they were for me. That this was just a way to increase my dhikr. Something to do while I sit in stillness. A quiet hobby. This went on for few months actually.. Then after I went to Casablanca the second time around, I got the idea to come b

Let the title speak for itself. This morning I ran to the bathroom and I was scrolling through an Instagram post that talked about how closure comes from Allah- not the man. It hit me.. hard. Allah unveiled it to me today. The truth for release. For the past 6 months, I have been under the illusion that the closure comes from the man. Just imagine it- the man you love never messages you again.. if he never messages you to acknowledge what you guys were, how sorry her is, what

The title says it. Why is this hitting me tonight? I know I am stating the obvious- but everything was in my head. This entire story. Rafiq and I. Him being my soul mate. Me going to Pakistan. Him reaching out to me. Us having a reunion. Getting married. Having kids. ....... Nothing is real. And I know I am stating the obvious, but how could I be this delusional? How did I build an entire life in my head that has no physical evidence? For the past eight months, I’ve been livi

Let me guess- you constantly check your phone hoping for a message from the man and every time your heart feels a little disappointed. You wait days and weeks hoping to get a text or call from him and he never reaches out. Your heart is exhausted waiting for him to finally make a move.. finally show up for you. To say something- anything at all. And it never happens. Ladies- I have been there. I would go through all of my socials and even emails hoping he found a way to bypas

Let me guess. You tried everything- Talking yourself out of it Numbing yourself Distracting yourself Trying to kill the obsessive thoughts Trying to avoid the fantasies Trying to stop imagining scenarios The list goes on.. You tried everything to make it stop. To make the feeling go away. To stop loving that man. Yet nothing works. That's when the truth comes in. Let's talk about it.. I am in this exact phase right now and the realization hit me.. literally now. I tried so mu

I'm not sure if every awakened woman experiences a job/career loss, but I believe a lot of them do. I am one of them. My job pretty much ended the same time my awakening began.. when I was in Casablance with Zaria. That's when I found out that I am getting laid off. It's been 7 months since then and I still haven't found a job. I don’t know if it’s because I delayed taking action… or if this is somehow part of Allah’s plan. I really don't know. At first, I actually felt relie

When I went to Casablanca about a month and a half ago with my friends, we mostly prayed at different mosques, did some sightseeing, ate really good food, shopped- the usual. But on my last day there, something random caught my attention. The bazaars were selling a lot of tasbihs… but not just regular ones. They had these miniature-sized tasbihs everywhere. Prior to this trip, I never thought about making mini sized tasbihs. I was only making full 99 bead ones or honesty- jus

I was thinking earlier today about how our society is, especially in Western countries. I was reflecting back at how I and many others around me were raised, despite having a Muslim upbringing. Our entire lives have always been 'dunya-centric'. Focusing on school, grades, graduating, career, making money, success, falling in love, getting married, buying a house, having kids.. Islam is just treated as a side-gig. It might be something muslims think about one a year during Ram

After coming back to my parents house, I have been hit with a flood of signs. The same signs I was seeing months prior- which I wrote about in my "Mr. T" blog.. those signs are back. I am seeing it literally everywhere. Every single place I look I see T or TR or my initials paired with T/TR. I also see a specific location along with these letters over and over. I’m not going to lie… every time I notice it, my heart drops. Because I’m still attached to the idea of Rafiq.I’m st

There is one question that I have been avoiding the entire time. I was too scared to ask myself. If you’ve ever gone through a spiritual awakening after heartbreak, you know there’s always that one question your heart doesn’t feel ready to face. I avoided it for months. But tonight, I finally sat with it. "What would I do with my life if my future does not include Rafiq?" Honestly.. I never thought about it. I was scared to. Even if I tried to think about it in the past, it w

I got back from my Casablanca trip last week and today was my final hearing for my divorce with my husband. My iddat period also started today as well.. It's a sad day to say the least. Throughout my blogs, I’ve written about awakening, signs, Rafiq, love, longing… all of it. But I haven’t spoken enough about the pain of leaving a marriage behind. Of closing a chapter of your life- permanently. Especially when you’re leaving a good man.. My husband was a good man. He loved me

During the stillness phase or known as the "cocoon phase", it feels like your duas are bouncing off the walls. The past month or so that's how I have been feeling.. I made so many duas. I prayed tahajjud several times, even isthikhara. I always ask for the same thing over and over.. "Allah- If what Rafiq and I have is true and if it's written for us to be together, then open an unexpected door that only you can open. If not, then gently remove him from my heart." Everytime I

I’m in Casablanca as I write this, and a new realization just hit me. For months now- especially leading up to this trip- I’ve been begging for movement. Any movement at all. I wanted Allah to show me the next door. I would imagine rebuilding my life- packing my bags, relocating, starting a new job, starting completely new. I have been begging for this.. praying for this.. Feeling so much anxiety about not knowing what is next. Especially right before coming back to Casablanc

Thankfully, after that first emotionally overwhelming day in Istanbul, my emotions settled. I was finally able to be present- to actually enjoy the trip with my friends. This time, I explored Istanbul more deeply. We went to the Bosphorus area, which I hadn’t visited on my previous trip. It was beautiful. We went to so many mosques and tried our best to pray on time while being out and exploring the city. I can't even keep track of how many different mosques we prayed at. Blu

Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah  (I seek forgiveness from Allah) Effect: Instant softness in the heart Anxiety and depression easing Obsessive thoughts quieting Emotional heaviness lifting Within a few days to a week, the shift can feel undeniable. Even if nothing external changes, you internally feel more at peace. ------------------------ Ya Fattah The Opener. The One who unlocks what is closed.The One who clears paths. This Name is directly connected to: New beginnings Movem

I was not expecting to feel this way. I was super excited to come to Istanbul again. After all, it’s the birthplace of my spiritual awakening. But the moment I landed at the airport, it hit me. All at once. The memories. Every single thing I experienced six months ago when everything first began. I was immediately reminded of Rafiq… of Pakistan… of that version of me whose heart had just been cracked open. I was going through airport logistics- passport control, getting bagga

Tomorrow morning I leave for Istanbul.. again. I am going with a couple of childhood friends for one of their birthday's. My friend picked out Istanbul.. But in my heart, I know this is more than just a “trip.” Istanbul sits deep in my heart. It's the location where my awakening first started. After Rafiq pulled away.. I went through my heartbreak.. I started praying isthikhara and tahajjud non-stop.. then Allah unveiled me- it's Rafiq.. whether that's true or not. And just f

As the days passed, I found myself making more and more tasbihs. I chose beads that felt beautiful that day- shades that stood out, pendants that pulled at me quietly. I thought I was simply picking what I liked... What I didn’t realize then was that each tasbih was carrying meaning long before I understood it. Each one I made was during a certain phase or stage of my awakening. One day I made a really pretty blue/silver tasbih. When I finished, I realized I had enough leftov