Ready For Either: Release Or Reunion.

This is a big one. I didn't realize it, until now.

Before my Paris trip, anytime I read stories of other awakened women and how Allah gives that woman either release (to let the masculine go) or the reunion (he comes back and expresses his heart).. I would always flinch at the thought of release.

This used to happen a lot. In my mind, I could only imagine reunion. The thought of release was painful to me. It almost sounded like a bad word.. I couldn't get myself to think of it as "good." It made me feel like all of my dreams, wishes, desires.. they all went to waste.

It made me feel stupid.

Foolish.

If I had known all along that I would get release and that Rafiq isn't the one for me, then I wouldn't have spend all that time and energy obsessing over him and our story. It felt like a waste.

This is how I felt for many months when reading the word "release."

Now.. it feels like heaven. It feels like a prize. That's how you know that I have crossed another level of surrender. It has been a week since I came back from Paris and I occasionally read stories of other awakened women.

Today I read a story about a woman getting close to release or reunion.. and for the first time ever. I felt fine with either one. And I am not just saying it just to say it. I truly feel it in my heart.

If I wake up tomorrow and it's a total release. I will be happy. I will be fine. And I will accept it.

I can't believe I am the one saying these things because I know how much I struggled all these months.

What got me to this point? So much pain. Unfortunately, when it comes to awakenings.. Yes it's a divine soul-level love, but it's also very painful. You have to hold both truths at once. Both sides of the extremes exist. The soul-level love makes you feel like you're on top of the world. And the earth shattering pain feels like you're ready to give up on life.

I felt it.

My days in Paris/Strasbourg brought that earth shattering pain out of me. I get scared thinking back to how I felt those nights. If you have ever experienced that.. you will agree with me when I say..

I would rather have peace and have the door shut on Rafiq.. than to experience that pain ever again. If it means release, then so be it. I want release. I am finally ready. I am finally ready for either outcome. Release or reunion. Reunion feels like a dream that's "too good to be true" and release feels like a much needed medicine after so much pain.

For the first time ever, reunion didn't feel like the standard- it felt like a bonus. Reunion feels like an extra surprise Allah could give me. He doesn't have to.. but if he did, it would be amazing. I am no longer tied down to outcome.

Whichever one it is- I am ready for Allah to give it to me.

And trust me.. I never thought I would ever get to this point.