I Was Never Alone.

You know it's crazy to think back to the days I spent crying and being anxious in Paris/Strasbourg. I spent majority of the time crying..sobbing.. longing..replaying memories of Rafiq and I.. trembling internally.. feeling outright horrible.

While it was happening, it was the worst feeling ever. Even when nothing was on my mind, it's like my body was still shaking from the inside. I couldn't control it.

But that's not the point.

While I was in it, I spent all that time begging Allah for relief from Rafiq.. from this love.. from our story. All I could think about was Rafiq, Rafiq, Rafiq..

Lately, I have been getting a lot of signs that Rafiq is longing for me and even though I have no idea what the outcome is- release or reunion. For some reason, reunion feels more "real." I am not saying that I know it's reunion, but more so the fact that at the very least getting signs of his emotions for me.. at least it makes reunion possible even if its by one step.

It makes it easier to image. To say the least.

Once it becomes easier to imagine.. my own longing and obsession goes away. It's ironic right? And you know what my mind clings to after that?

Allah.

Now when I look back to all those days and nights that I spent crying in my hotel room in Paris/Strasbourg.. all the days I spent roaming around the city by myself.. taking trains, walking around, listening to music, shopping, eating, looking for signs, feeling miserable while acting okay on the outside.

I wasn't alone. Allah was with me.

And to think that another man, even Rafiq, could possibly replace that.. that's the part that hurts. I am scared that a man will come into my life and replace Allah.

There's a beauty in being in solitude and having nobody, but Allah.. even if you are in earth-shattering pain. I remember the pain very well.

My last night in Strasboug, I was so bitter. I was so upset with Allah. I was so upset because of all the suffering I was going through. And thinking that Rafiq is totally fine in his life. For the first time ever, I was questioning Allah. I was doubting Allah's plan.

I was doubting Allah's willingness to answer duas. To bring relief. To solve my problems. To take away my pain. Ugh- I was so bitter.

And it's killing me inside now to think back to that. There was a beauty in even the worst of the worst moments. I know no matter how much I long for Rafiq and a reunion with him. Trust me- it's a dream. But a part of me does feel sad.. sad that the journey with my creator would be over if my solitude is over.

That if another man comes into my life.. how will I be alone with my creator ever again?

I know one day I will be happy.. but I will never live through the experiences that I lived through even during my worst times since my awakening started.

It hold it's own beauty. And with time you realize..

The real pain wasn't the man..

It was the fear of losing Allah even for a moment.