Strasbourg Breaking Point.

After staying in Paris, I headed over to Strasbourg- a quiet beautiful city in France. I spent a few days there as well and similar to Paris; my emotions were super raw.

I was crying constantly, no matter where I was.

My last night in Strasbourg was when I hit my first real breaking point.

I didn’t expect it to get that bad.

I was in so much pain.

I remember sitting alone in my hotel room, throwing things around. Sitting on a chair, completely losing it. I had been patient for so long. I had held myself together for so long. And suddenly, I just couldn’t anymore.

I was drowning in pain… and Rafiq was completely fine.

The entire situation was making me so angry. How I was in so much pain.. and Rafiq was completely fine.

He was the one who crossed the line.

He was the one who broke a promise.

He was the one who pulled away.

And yet, I was the one left suffering.

It felt so unfair.

Why me? Why not him as well?

I sat there spiraling, thinking of ways to make the pain stop.

What if I messaged his wife?

What if I exposed him?

What if I did anything at all just to get rid of this pain and unfairness that I felt.

Anything at all..

Yet- I sat there and did... nothing.

The pain I was feeling wasn’t like a normal heartbreak. It was something else entirely. It was the kind of pain Allah brings to the surface- the kind meant to test you. An awakened kind of pain. One I had never experienced in my entire life.

I felt bitterness towards Allah because of the imbalance. I felt so helpless.

I even went to sleep that night angry with Allah.. even though a part of me felt guilty for feeling that way.

That's the first time ever that I felt so much heartbreak, pain, helpnessness, anger, bitterness.. all at once. And there's absolutely nothing I could do.

I had to pack my bags the next morning.. and make my way back home. That’s what happens when the breaking point hits.

Life doesn’t stop for you.

You still have to move forward, even when everything inside you feels shattered.