The One Question I will Never Get the Answer to.

In this journey, I focused so much on trying to figure out what my outcome would be. Is it Rafiq? Is it another man? Am I meant to be single forever? Will I find love again?

Eventually.. I will get the answers to all of these questions. It may take a long time, but one day- I will know.

However, there is one question that has crossed my mind hundred's of times.. and no matter how much I analyze it, over think it, try to figure it out.. I know that I will never know the answer. Not even until the day I die.

How is this happening to me?

Writing this- I write it with a heavy and sad heart. Because it makes me so sad knowing that during my awakening, I thought about Rafiq and our love story the most. But what about the main thing that I am experiencing?

Allah.

It makes me sad. It makes me feel ashamed. Times like this, I wish Allah can remove Rafiq from my heart. Not because of the heartbreak or my fear of pain.

But because only Allah deserves a place in my heart.. especially for this gift he has given me.

The one question I will never have the answer to is.. Why did Allah give me this gift in this dunya?

Yes, it comes with soul death, excruciating heartbreak, unraveling your life, and unraveling your mind.. But what you get in return, doesn't even compare to any of the downfalls. Is there any experience in this dunya bigger than this? Can you even name one?

Tell me what can be bigger than this?

Becoming famous?

Getting a billion dollars?

Going on a world trip?

Having the perfect love, marriage, and children?

Having the most success?

Do any of these things sound better than the experience Allah has given you?

The simple answer is no. I will never know why Allah blessed me with this. I never thought in a million years that I would get to experience something like this. And even if I have to go through a billion heartbreaks and gut-renching pain, I would do it again and again.. just to have this.

This is one of those blogs where I truly feel the sadness from my heart. Because I hate the fact that so many of my blogs are about Rafiq and our story.. when actually, he's not even the main character.

Allah is.

It's crazy because this entire time I was looking for my fairytale.. But I already got it. What can be a bigger fairytale than this? Having the creator of this dunya, the most powerful, most merciful communicate with you out of all people..

Showing you colors, showing you your name, showing you symbols, showing you dreams, giving you unveilings, changing your internal world to recognize his cues...

This is the most magical thing ever. I swear on my life.. if there is ONE sentence I have ever written that holds the most weight and truth. It's this-

This is bigger than any fantasy, any movie, any fairytale.. This is unimaginable. And even if I get nothing after this point, I will still feel like the luckiest person on this planet that Allah chose me for this.