The Pills I had to Swallow.

Nobody talks about the pills of awakening. Not medicine-like pills, I mean the hard pills of awakening. In the beginning, it seems magical, amazing, fun-almost with all the signs and magical moments. It's been few months since my awakening journey began and I realized each chapter is revealed.. with time. And sometimes Allah waits for the hard parts when you're ready for it. There are many pills of awakening a woman has to swallow. I will go ahead and explain it here.

The first pill to swallow is that there is no timeline. The first couple of months, I kept comforting myself by creating a timeline in my head. I used to think that Rafiq would potentially contact me by my birthday, by a certain trip, certain month, certain phase.. I would envision getting re-married within a year. I would imagine that if there is someone new out there for me, I would meet him in the next couple of months. I would imagine being over Rafiq and our love within 8 months. And most importantly, I would imagine being happy again within a year... But I was wrong. Not because that's not part of Allah's planning, maybe it is. Maybe it's not. There is no time limit. There is no 'ending' to this. This is a journey. A continuous one. It's kind of like being on a train.. a train doesn't have an end destination. It makes many stops along the way, but it continues moving. So you cannot set false expectations in your mind of a timeline. You have to accept.. that this is your new life. It may take months, a year, few years.. or a lifetime. Only Allah knows. But you have to let go of the concept of time- starting now.

The second pill to swallow is that the signs are not always immediate or even literal. This one was a lesson for me. At first I used to take all the signs literally. If I saw love related signs about Rafiq, I would assume that Allah is telling me that he's the one for me. The same goes for negative/bad signs. It may be real or it may be a test. See the thing is you won't know. These signs are a way for Allah to communicate with you, reassure you, keep you engaged, motivated, even to test you. To test your love, your longing, your fears. It's to pull the emotion out of you. The signs are part of the journey- they are not the answers. Only Allah knows the real answers and you won't know them until they play out infront of your eyes. So always take the signs.. with a grain of salt.

The third pill to swallow is that each journey is different and you won't be able to predict yours. Just ask yourself this question, if you were able to 'figure it out', how come you never figured out that this awakening would happen to you? You couldn't, right? It just hit you, out of nowhere. That's how Allah's planning works. No matter how much you sit there, no matter how much you decode or analyze.. actually over-analyze your signs, no matter how many stories or examples you read up.. you won't know your story until you live through it. I spent countless nights reading examples of other woman's stories and trying to get an idea of how it played out in different types of scenarios. I read 1000's of stories. I read magical stories, I read bad stories, I read stories of betrayel, I read stories of reunion, I read stories of closure, I have read every single scenario.. and there are probably even more out there that I am still unaware of. I even read stories of death. I used to spiral reading all these real stories of woman. The bottom line is.. you can't figure it out. And you have to be okay with it. Be okay with just simply living. Each chapter will reveal itself in it's own time. Your story is unique, rare, and will be revealed at the perfect time.

The fourth pill to swallow.. and this one will hurt. This is the fear of an awakened woman. I know reading this makes your heart drop. It makes you spiral. It makes you want to die. But you have to accept it. Look.. I am not saying reunion with the original man doesn't happen. Even in my case, I have no idea if I will be re-united with Rafiq or not. I truly don't have the answer. But I would be naive to sit here and imagine that reunion will happen when that was never the purpose. I will give it to you straight. Allah planted that love in your heart to awaken you. That's it. He is not your soul mate. He is not your partner. He is not your husband. At the end, if and only if Allah has written for him to be yours in this dunya, he will be. But there is no gaurantee and if anything, there are much much higher chances, that he is not yours to keep. He was simply a tool used to awaken you. Allah could have used any guy to do that, he chose him. Rafiq was my tool. Allah simply chose him... not to bring our love story to life.. but to bring me to life. Think of it in this way- I was at a coffee shop earlier. I paid for a iced latte and I got it. That was the purpose, fullfilled. I request, I paid, I received what I paid for. But after getting my latte, the server decided to give me a free sweet treat on the side. I was surprised and grateful to him. I didn't pay for it, neither did I ask for it. More importantly, I didn't even expect it. He chose to gave it.. without me knowing. But I didn't go in with the mindest that I will only purchase this latte as long as I get the free treat on the side. Take this example and use it in your journey.

Allah does not owe you the man that you fell in love with. Allah does not owe you that man even if he unveiled to you that its him you will end up with. Allah used that man for a specific purpose and once that purpose is fullfilled, he is out of your life. And that is the painful end to the story with that man. You may never see him again. You may never hear from him again. Yet your journey will continue.. because he wasn't the reason all of this happened to you.. it wasn't to find love.. it was to find you.. and when you find yourself, your find Allah.

The unveiling felt so real? Yes, it had to feel real. It had to feel like its coming from within your soul. It had to feel like Allah came down to the earths to tell you that this man is your soul mate. Because if it didn't feel that real, you would have never believed in it. That was the whole point. I was also taken aback with this concept.. I questioned alot.. that why would Allah unveil me that it's Rafiq? Why would Allah make it feel SO real? If it won't actually play out that way in real life. But.. I get it now. It had to feel real so I can say yes to this journey.

The last and truly the hardest pill to swallow in this entire journey... is to be okay.. with never being okay again. This word.. "OK." I saw it and heard it as a sign so many times this past month. I didn't understand what's the meaning behind such a simple and basic word. But, now I understand the real meaning. Its the fact that we live our life waiting for a moment to catch our breath, to feel normal again.. to feel "ok" again.. Those two letters may not come, and with that.... you have to be okay with it. I am not saying that this is a gaurantee, but it definitely is a path that an awakened woman may have to walk through, so it's something to really sit and digest.

I will tell you what I accepted. I accepted that fact that I may never be happy again. I not only accepted the fact that Rafiq isn't mine to keep in this dunya, but I may never find love again. I accepted the fact that I may never fall in love ever again.. that the phase of love for me.. is over in this dunya. I accepted the fact that I may just. spend the rest of my life helping other women make it through this experience and I simply pass away at the end with nothing and nobody in this dunya for me. Because that may be the path Allah has written for me. And that's what you call true surrender.