Unbearable Moments.

Do you want to know how bad it gets?

It gets really bad.

Sometimes I wonder to myself- how did I make it this far?

I have spent countless days thinking about Rafiq. Days turned into weeks, and now weeks into months… and I am still not over him.

It feels impossible.

I have tried everything. I tried to stop fantasizing. I cut off music for some time. I stopped reading our old text messages. I tried blocking out any thought of him. I stopped imagining the future.

Nothing works.

I sit alone, imagining all the things I wish I could do:

I wish I could message him and finally unload everything inside me.

I wish I could show up at his door and demand answers.

I wish I could expose the truth and burn it all down.

I wish I could pack a bag and disappear.

I have had so many moments where I feel like ripping my hair out, punching the walls, running out and going crazy. To do anything than to sit here and replay the same thoughts over and over and over..

I am so tired.

When I have one of these "unbearable" moments.. it makes me regret everything.

I know, spiritually, none of this was random- Allah orchestrated every step. I know that.

I wish I never confessed my feelings.

I wish we never admitted what existed between us.

I wish we never crossed into something emotional.

I wish I never returned home and continued something that should have ended.

I wish none of it happened.

Then maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain every single day.

I feel so hopeless. At this point, I feel like no dua will even make a difference. I feel okay for few hours and then go back to the same unbearable feeling.

It becomes even harder when I think about the imbalance. About how Rafiq is likely living his life normally. Maybe unhappy in his marriage- but not stuck in constant pain, not obsessing, not carrying this weight every second the way I am.

At least he's not experiencing what I am.

That part is what feels so unfair. And it makes me want to rip my hair out. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to go crazy.

And what do I do?

I sit here, day after day, carrying all of this- and doing absolutely nothing.

And somehow, that is the hardest part of all.