My Love Turned From A Dream To a Nightmare.

There's a pattern to awakenings. I’m starting to understand that now-slowly, painfully, as I live through it.

It often begins the same way:

The man pulls away.

The woman is left devastated.

Then the awakening begins. The woman is shown that this is the one. The soulmate. The divine love written for her.

After this point, the woman likely spends many months obessing, fantasizing, and day-dreaming about this love..

She believes this love is sacred- that Allah showed it to her because it’s meant to happen. She doesn’t realize yet that the unveiling itself is the test.

I spent months being so sure that this was my one divine love. That Allah finally showed me who I will end up with.. who my person in this dunya is.

I spent months feeding into this story and fantasizing about our love.

At first, it felt like a dream.

A dream come true.

A perfect story written by Allah Himself

Rafiq being the one all along-while I lived my life unaware for years.

It felt cinematic.Too perfect.

Like a movie script unfolding just for me.

Until the pain and tests hit.

It wasn't until my Paris trip that I woke up to the reality of what this awakening actually is. It's to learn the story.. and then kill the fantasy. It's painful.

The first unveiling is not a guarantee. It’s not permission to pause your life.

It’s not a sign to mentally marry someone and live in your imagination twenty-four hours a day.

Allah wanted to simply show you something to get started on your journey. For you to say "yes". And then let it remain in the background, while you continue on with your life while surrendering. The purpose of the unveiling was not to make this man your "partner" mentally and in your heart.

It was to make Allah your partner.

By the time I reached Paris, the love that once felt magical had turned into my nightmare. I spent nights in Paris and Strasbourg sitting alone in unbearable pain- helpless, scared, convinced I would suffer forever.

There comes a point where the pain gets so intense that you stop caring about the outcome. It hurts so much that even the thought of any man in your life becomes terrifying.

Because I am finally at a point where this love has turned into a nightmare in my life. And I don't want to continue being tested with this. I spent months being concerned about the outcome and nothing else.. now my biggest concern is feeling peace in my heart again, regardless what the outcome is.

For the first time ever, I can sit here and say. I would rather have me than to have Rafiq.

And I truly mean that.