My Story

After the storm of March, this is the sound of me finally letting go of the "when" and realizing that my internal clock has completely stopped. I've reached a place of quiet surrender where the urgency has died, and I'm finally okay with waiting for the real door to open.

I'm sharing the raw moment I broke down after March came and went without a single thing changing in my physical life. It's about the exhaustion of following the signs only to feel like they're just a test, and the reality of sobbing when the miracle you were expecting doesn't show up.

I feel like I'm dying. I'm actually serious. I can't take it anymore. March came. And Went. Nothing happened. And it feels like the soul has been taken out of my body. Not sure what the purpose was of Allah showing me the signs for March for the past 9 months. But whatever the purpose was.. I won't know. What I do know is- nothing happened. And that's when it hits me... that nothing in my internal world is aligning with my external life. This is the truth. Everything has been

In March, I came to a painful but grounding realization: it was never just us- Allah was the one who turned our hearts toward each other in the beginning, and he is the one who turned his heart away when it was time for us to part. Understanding that shifted my story from personal rejection to divine timing, even if my heart is still catching up.

I’m exhausted from waiting- for things to change, for answers, for relief- and I’m starting to feel like nothing ever will. I’m still holding on to Allah, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep waiting like this.

I really wanted to record an audio for this, but I am not able to do it right now because my family is around. The more I make dua for Allah to take Rafiq out of my heart- the more I can't get him out of my heart. The more I feel for him. The more unbearable it feels not being in Pakistan. I’m running out of money, but my brain doesn’t even react to that anymore. It’s like the survival instinct in me has completely shut off because of how much emotional pain I’m in. I don't h

An honest audio about what it feels like to carry heartbreak for months while the other person has already moved on. Sometimes one person is devastated while the other feels relief- and that imbalance is one of the deepest pains to live through.

For the past several months, I’ve been seeing the word “March” everywhere. I don’t know what it means yet, but something in me feels like this month holds movement- maybe closure, maybe opportunity, maybe a shift in my life that I can’t see yet. Note: Some messages are meant to be heard, not just read. From here on, I’ll be sharing more in audio form.

I keep having the same dream over and over again- that my family is moving back to our home country. I don’t know what it means, but the repetition makes me feel like the dream is trying to tell me something. Note: In my audio recordings I referenced Iran, but I’ve since updated the story to reflect the real place- Pakistan.

Well- I did not see this coming. I feel like I got hit with an idea out of nowhere. As you know, I’ve been making tasbihs for the past few months. At first, it was just two. Then slowly I kept making more. Once a week or so. I told myself they were for me. That this was just a way to increase my dhikr. Something to do while I sit in stillness. A quiet hobby. This went on for few months actually.. Then after I went to Casablanca the second time around, I got the idea to come b

The title says it. Why is this hitting me tonight? I know I am stating the obvious- but everything was in my head. This entire story. Rafiq and I. Him being my soul mate. Me going to Pakistan. Him reaching out to me. Us having a reunion. Getting married. Having kids. ....... Nothing is real. And I know I am stating the obvious, but how could I be this delusional? How did I build an entire life in my head that has no physical evidence? For the past eight months, I’ve been livi

I'm not sure if every awakened woman experiences a job/career loss, but I believe a lot of them do. I am one of them. My job pretty much ended the same time my awakening began.. when I was in Casablance with Zaria. That's when I found out that I am getting laid off. It's been 7 months since then and I still haven't found a job. I don’t know if it’s because I delayed taking action… or if this is somehow part of Allah’s plan. I really don't know. At first, I actually felt relie

When I went to Casablanca about a month and a half ago with my friends, we mostly prayed at different mosques, did some sightseeing, ate really good food, shopped- the usual. But on my last day there, something random caught my attention. The bazaars were selling a lot of tasbihs… but not just regular ones. They had these miniature-sized tasbihs everywhere. Prior to this trip, I never thought about making mini sized tasbihs. I was only making full 99 bead ones or honesty- jus

After coming back to my parents house, I have been hit with a flood of signs. The same signs I was seeing months prior- which I wrote about in my "Mr. T" blog.. those signs are back. I am seeing it literally everywhere. Every single place I look I see T or TR or my initials paired with T/TR. I also see a specific location along with these letters over and over. I’m not going to lie… every time I notice it, my heart drops. Because I’m still attached to the idea of Rafiq.I’m st

There is one question that I have been avoiding the entire time. I was too scared to ask myself. If you’ve ever gone through a spiritual awakening after heartbreak, you know there’s always that one question your heart doesn’t feel ready to face. I avoided it for months. But tonight, I finally sat with it. "What would I do with my life if my future does not include Rafiq?" Honestly.. I never thought about it. I was scared to. Even if I tried to think about it in the past, it w

I got back from my Casablanca trip last week and today was my final hearing for my divorce with my husband. My iddat period also started today as well.. It's a sad day to say the least. Throughout my blogs, I’ve written about awakening, signs, Rafiq, love, longing… all of it. But I haven’t spoken enough about the pain of leaving a marriage behind. Of closing a chapter of your life- permanently. Especially when you’re leaving a good man.. My husband was a good man. He loved me

I’m in Casablanca as I write this, and a new realization just hit me. For months now- especially leading up to this trip- I’ve been begging for movement. Any movement at all. I wanted Allah to show me the next door. I would imagine rebuilding my life- packing my bags, relocating, starting a new job, starting completely new. I have been begging for this.. praying for this.. Feeling so much anxiety about not knowing what is next. Especially right before coming back to Casablanc

Thankfully, after that first emotionally overwhelming day in Istanbul, my emotions settled. I was finally able to be present- to actually enjoy the trip with my friends. This time, I explored Istanbul more deeply. We went to the Bosphorus area, which I hadn’t visited on my previous trip. It was beautiful. We went to so many mosques and tried our best to pray on time while being out and exploring the city. I can't even keep track of how many different mosques we prayed at. Blu

I was not expecting to feel this way. I was super excited to come to Istanbul again. After all, it’s the birthplace of my spiritual awakening. But the moment I landed at the airport, it hit me. All at once. The memories. Every single thing I experienced six months ago when everything first began. I was immediately reminded of Rafiq… of Pakistan… of that version of me whose heart had just been cracked open. I was going through airport logistics- passport control, getting bagga

Tomorrow morning I leave for Istanbul.. again. I am going with a couple of childhood friends for one of their birthday's. My friend picked out Istanbul.. But in my heart, I know this is more than just a “trip.” Istanbul sits deep in my heart. It's the location where my awakening first started. After Rafiq pulled away.. I went through my heartbreak.. I started praying isthikhara and tahajjud non-stop.. then Allah unveiled me- it's Rafiq.. whether that's true or not. And just f