My Story

Well- I did not see this coming. I feel like I got hit with an idea out of nowhere. As you know, I’ve been making tasbihs for the past few months. At first, it was just two. Then slowly I kept making more. Once a week or so. I told myself they were for me. That this was just a way to increase my dhikr. Something to do while I sit in stillness. A quiet hobby. This went on for few months actually.. Then after I went to Casablanca the second time around, I got the idea to come b

The title says it. Why is this hitting me tonight? I know I am stating the obvious- but everything was in my head. This entire story. Rafiq and I. Him being my soul mate. Me going to Pakistan. Him reaching out to me. Us having a reunion. Getting married. Having kids. ....... Nothing is real. And I know I am stating the obvious, but how could I be this delusional? How did I build an entire life in my head that has no physical evidence? For the past eight months, I’ve been livi

I'm not sure if every awakened woman experiences a job/career loss, but I believe a lot of them do. I am one of them. My job pretty much ended the same time my awakening began.. when I was in Casablance with Zaria. That's when I found out that I am getting laid off. It's been 7 months since then and I still haven't found a job. I don’t know if it’s because I delayed taking action… or if this is somehow part of Allah’s plan. I really don't know. At first, I actually felt relie

When I went to Casablanca about a month and a half ago with my friends, we mostly prayed at different mosques, did some sightseeing, ate really good food, shopped- the usual. But on my last day there, something random caught my attention. The bazaars were selling a lot of tasbihs… but not just regular ones. They had these miniature-sized tasbihs everywhere. Prior to this trip, I never thought about making mini sized tasbihs. I was only making full 99 bead ones or honesty- jus

After coming back to my parents house, I have been hit with a flood of signs. The same signs I was seeing months prior- which I wrote about in my "Mr. T" blog.. those signs are back. I am seeing it literally everywhere. Every single place I look I see T or TR or my initials paired with T/TR. I also see a specific location along with these letters over and over. I’m not going to lie… every time I notice it, my heart drops. Because I’m still attached to the idea of Rafiq.I’m st

There is one question that I have been avoiding the entire time. I was too scared to ask myself. If you’ve ever gone through a spiritual awakening after heartbreak, you know there’s always that one question your heart doesn’t feel ready to face. I avoided it for months. But tonight, I finally sat with it. "What would I do with my life if my future does not include Rafiq?" Honestly.. I never thought about it. I was scared to. Even if I tried to think about it in the past, it w

I got back from my Casablanca trip last week and today was my final hearing for my divorce with my husband. My iddat period also started today as well.. It's a sad day to say the least. Throughout my blogs, I’ve written about awakening, signs, Rafiq, love, longing… all of it. But I haven’t spoken enough about the pain of leaving a marriage behind. Of closing a chapter of your life- permanently. Especially when you’re leaving a good man.. My husband was a good man. He loved me

I’m in Casablanca as I write this, and a new realization just hit me. For months now- especially leading up to this trip- I’ve been begging for movement. Any movement at all. I wanted Allah to show me the next door. I would imagine rebuilding my life- packing my bags, relocating, starting a new job, starting completely new. I have been begging for this.. praying for this.. Feeling so much anxiety about not knowing what is next. Especially right before coming back to Casablanc

Thankfully, after that first emotionally overwhelming day in Istanbul, my emotions settled. I was finally able to be present- to actually enjoy the trip with my friends. This time, I explored Istanbul more deeply. We went to the Bosphorus area, which I hadn’t visited on my previous trip. It was beautiful. We went to so many mosques and tried our best to pray on time while being out and exploring the city. I can't even keep track of how many different mosques we prayed at. Blu

I was not expecting to feel this way. I was super excited to come to Istanbul again. After all, it’s the birthplace of my spiritual awakening. But the moment I landed at the airport, it hit me. All at once. The memories. Every single thing I experienced six months ago when everything first began. I was immediately reminded of Rafiq… of Pakistan… of that version of me whose heart had just been cracked open. I was going through airport logistics- passport control, getting bagga

Tomorrow morning I leave for Istanbul.. again. I am going with a couple of childhood friends for one of their birthday's. My friend picked out Istanbul.. But in my heart, I know this is more than just a “trip.” Istanbul sits deep in my heart. It's the location where my awakening first started. After Rafiq pulled away.. I went through my heartbreak.. I started praying isthikhara and tahajjud non-stop.. then Allah unveiled me- it's Rafiq.. whether that's true or not. And just f

As the days passed, I found myself making more and more tasbihs. I chose beads that felt beautiful that day- shades that stood out, pendants that pulled at me quietly. I thought I was simply picking what I liked... What I didn’t realize then was that each tasbih was carrying meaning long before I understood it. Each one I made was during a certain phase or stage of my awakening. One day I made a really pretty blue/silver tasbih. When I finished, I realized I had enough leftov

I went through some of the darkest days and nights of my awakening It started after my intense dhikr. Multple nights went by where I felt so much despair. It truly hit me that THIS is my test.. Yes, I have experience tests before especially during my marriage, in the grief of losing the love I once had with my husband, and through the heartbreak I experienced with Rafiq. But this moment was different. This felt like the test of my life. I wanted Allah to take me away. To take

A few days ago, something came over me. I suddenly felt this deep urge to go all in with my prayers and dhikr. For many months, I was praying just the daily five prayers and doing light dikhr, mainly reciting Astaghfurullah. But after a long time, I felt pulled to do more. I started praying isthikahra two times- once after Isha and once before Fajr. I began doing intense dhikr for hours at a time. This went on for a few nights. I don't know what got into me. I felt like I am

I was visiting my friend Zaria- the one who went to Casablance with me and witnessed my awakening experience. We spent the day talking about random things, just catching up. At some point, I noticed a tasbih sitting on her kitchen counter. It was one I had given her from Makkah- from my trip last year. When I went to Makkah, I bought several tasbihs. Some for friends and family, and one for myself. But after moving out of my husband’s house, I realized I couldn’t find mine an

The day my legal divorce process began was the same day I got all of my belongings back from my husband's house- was also the same day that I recieved a call from one of our mutual friends from Iran. She wasn't aware of my divorce.. at all. She didn't even know that I left my husband's home. That I had been staying with my cousin for months. This was the first time I was going to share it with her. I picked up the phone and we talked as usual.. I told her that I have somethin

I was staying at my cousin's house and my "cocoon" phase had started. The cocoon phase is simple to explain. It’s like when a butterfly retreats into a cocoon- developing, changing, reorganizing, but all of it happens invisibly. For me- it's when absolutely nothing is happen for a very long time. It's hard. Days pass. Weeks pass. And I sit here realizing that everything is exactly the same.. My heart feels stuck- but so does my life. Externally, nothing moves. Internally, not

Do you want to know how bad it gets? It gets really bad. Sometimes I wonder to myself- how did I make it this far? I have spent countless days thinking about Rafiq. Days turned into weeks, and now weeks into months… and I am still not over him. It feels impossible. I have tried everything. I tried to stop fantasizing. I cut off music for some time. I stopped reading our old text messages. I tried blocking out any thought of him. I stopped imagining the future. Nothing works.

I am so tired. So tired of going back and forth on literally everything. If you feel like you’re constantly at war with yourself, just know: it's normal. This has been my reality for a while now. I guess that is the point of an awakening. It's not a "one and done" sort of situation. If it were that easy to make up your mind and move on, it would defeat the entire purpose of this journey. Just last week, I was mentally done with Rafiq. Truly done. I told myself: no more fantas

Allah's silence- It feels brutal. At some point everything quiets down. So completely that it feels like nothing is happening at all. And strangely, it makes me miss the times I used to feel annoyed and overwhelmed by signs. It makes me miss all the times in Paris and Strasbourg when my body felt alive with constant sensations, the itching, the deep breathing that felt involuntary. I miss when every other thought seemed charged with meaning. When colors, symbols, words, and n