Allah's Silence.

Allah's silence- It feels brutal.

At some point everything quiets down. So completely that it feels like nothing is happening at all. And strangely, it makes me miss the times I used to feel annoyed and overwhelmed by signs.

It makes me miss all the times in Paris and Strasbourg when my body felt alive with constant sensations, the itching, the deep breathing that felt involuntary. I miss when every other thought seemed charged with meaning. When colors, symbols, words, and names felt unavoidable. At the time, I felt overstimulated and exhausted by it. Now, I miss it deeply.

Because it’s not just the signs that are gone.

It feels like Allah Himself has gone quiet.

I pray tahajjud. I pray istikhara. I do dhikr.

And still- nothing.

No door opens.

No message arrives.

Nothing shifts.

Just silence.

Some days, even making dua feels pointless- not because I don’t believe in it, but because afterward I’m left with the same stillness. The same unanswered space.

Everyday passes by and it's the same. Some weeks there's an overwhelming amount of signs. Other weeks it's so quiet.

Lately, it's been so quiet..

There's a grief in Allah's silence.

There's also a grief in losing his signs.

I miss my trips so much.. Casablance, Iran, California, Paris, Strasbourg.. The outfits, the colors, the repeated confirmations. I miss the symbols, the way my name would appear everywhere. I miss the feeling that everything was connected.

So many things are making me sad.. Rafiq.. Not being in Iran.. My living situation..Finances..Humiluation.. Allah's silence..

The silence of the awakening itself.

Each day passes and nothing happens. I just hope that someday it will.