Home, But Not At Peace.

I got back from my Paris trip a few days ago and returned to my family.

When I first had the dream instructing me to leave my marriage, I was in denial thinking that I will simply go back to my family's house and stay there until I get re-married again, if i get re-married again.

I imagined it would be calm. Peaceful. I pictured myself resting, spending time with my parents and siblings again, writing in quiet, and slowly settling into my “new” life.

I was completely wrong.

I am sitting here at my parent's house totally miserable and so anxious that I don't want to even step out of the room. This transition phase is the worst. At least, it helps get my mind off of Rafiq.. when I have bigger problems to worry about in front of me.

First things first- It's not easy to get seperated or divorced in the same space where the people are against it. I was in so much denial before thinking that I can get through it at my parents house.

I can't stand being here for another day..

The constant conversations about the divorce-with my in-laws, with my husband, with me, with my siblings- are suffocating. It’s giving me literal headaches. I can’t imagine staying here another day.

At the same time, I keep making duʿāʾ to Allah to take me out of this situation.

Thankfully, I do have another option. My cousin has a beautiful room with an attached bathroom, and they’re willing to give me my own space. The relief of even knowing that exists feels like oxygen. But now I’m anxious about how to tell my parents I want to leave because I know it will open the door to more conversations about the divorce, and I honestly don’t have the capacity for that right now.

This transition period if the worst. No matter where you are.. whether you are back at your parents house, your relative's house, some friend's house.. it's going to be super difficult. Especially comparing it to your old stable life in your marriage- that comparison will feel like hell.

This rough transition period was one of the biggest reasons I delayed ending my marriage..

Because I didn't want to suffer through the discomfort. And here I am. Suffering through it. For the sake of Allah..

I just hope after typing this, Allah can make it easier for me and take me away from here.