Tired Of The Mental Back And Forths.

I am so tired.

So tired of going back and forth on literally everything.

If you feel like you’re constantly at war with yourself, just know: it's normal.

This has been my reality for a while now. I guess that is the point of an awakening. It's not a "one and done" sort of situation. If it were that easy to make up your mind and move on, it would defeat the entire purpose of this journey.

Just last week, I was mentally done with Rafiq. Truly done. I told myself: no more fantasies, no more obsession, no music, no engaging with signs related to him. I was doing so well. I felt grounded.

Then few days after, all the signs about him, his love, longing, depression came through.. and it pulled me back into the obsession and fantasies.

It makes me feel so defeated.

And now I am worried all over again about how I will get back to the point that I was in after my paris trip.

That place where I felt ready to move forward, ready to refocus on my life, and my mission.

It's not just that. I keep telling myself not to overthink the signs. Because honestly? Most of the time Allah bombards you with signs and feelings and warnings… yet externally, nothing happens.

It FEELS like something will happen.

But nothing actually does. At least for a long time.

I was doing so well ignoring the signs, refusing to attach meaning to every word, color, or symbol. And now here I am again- searching them up, feeling excited, convincing myself that this time something will finally change. Even though deep down, I already know how this usually ends.

I am so tired of these back and forths.

One day I will tell myself something, the next day I tell myself something else.

One day I feel one way, the next day I feel another.

It's way too unpredictable.

You can tell yourself whatever you want.. but you can’t control how you’ll actually feel as the days unfold.

And as I’m writing this, I’m realizing something else: maybe that’s the point.

Maybe Allah wants surrender to reach a level where we even let go of our mind. Where we loosen our grip on thoughts, expectations, predictions- and trust that whether something happens or doesn’t, Allah will guide the mind where it needs to go.

What else can I do?

At this point, I give up on trying to control it.

I don’t want to fight my mind anymore.

I just want to exist.