Solitude in Paris.

Within a few days of arriving, it finally hit me what the true purpose of this trip was.

This was my first solo trip ever..

And it wasn’t about sightseeing or taking cute pictures.

It was about something much heavier, much deeper.

It was the first time since my awakening began that I was truly alone.

No noise.

No distractions.

No family.

No routine.

No one to run to.

Just me- and Allah.

And that's when it hit me how much my heart had not processed.

On the surface, my days in Paris looked simple: Grabbing breakfast/coffee in the morning, a museum or historical spot in the afternoons.. I would come back to my hotel later in the afternoon to take a nap.. then go out in the evening and wander around the Eiffel Tower area in the evenings.

Internally-I was super raw.

More raw than I had ever been since my awakening had started. It hit me all at once--

The love.

The Pain.

Rafiq pulling away.

The awakening.

The signs.

The heartbreak.

The uncertainty.

It felt like Allah turned my heart's volume from 0 to 100. I was anxious everywhere-

on the train, walking the streets, eating alone, laying in my hotel bed, even just standing in the bathroom.

I was so so raw internally.

I felt the love, the pain, and everything in between. And I felt it every second that I breathed in that city.

Allah didn't take me to Paris so I can have fun.

He took me there so I could finally stop running from myself.

I remember the hours spent in my hotel room.. my hands shaky, my soul restless, my heart terrified.

I remember walking the streets of Paris and sitting on trains while crying out of love for Rafiq. I remember feeling the pain of the heartbreak and the uncertainty that he may never be mine in this lifetime.

Every single thing that I was able to avoid thinking and feeling for months.. I could not avoid it anymore.

It was Allah placing me in silence so I could finally hear the truth inside me.

And that's why Allah guides awakened women towards a solo trip. It's not about having fun in a different country. It's about finally sitting alone with the silence of your own heart.