Getting Used to Judgment.

This is the part of awakening that nobody warned me about. There is an internal and then there is an external. Interally, awakened women are going through a lot. It literally feels like a ego/soul death. It's a total rewiring of not just a person's life, but a person's mind, heart, soul, everything.

On the outside, nobody sees that. Externally, people will judge you based off what they see.

And what is it that they will see? They will just see a woman going through a divorce- expecting that woman to be "happy" and "relieved" because it's her decision to get a divorce.

They will see a woman losing her job/career and being "unmotivated" or "too lazy to look for another job."

They will see a woman out of her routine and think that she is unstable and irresponsible with her life.

These judgements and critism is what I am facing and will be facing for a while. I left my old life behind.. and my new life hasn't started yet. That middle phase is taboo in the public eye.

It's even worse because I am leaving a good man. It would be a different story if I was in a bad marriage or my husband was bad.. but no, he was a good man. I actually had an over all good and healthy marriage.

People don't understand what my reason for leaving really is. No amount of explaning is going to make it valid in their eyes.. and I have to accept it. I have to accept looking stupid and foolish infront of everyone.

I have to accept everyone's judgements around me- that they think I am making the worst decision ever.

For me personally, what cuts the deepest is my career.

I was raised in a society where your career is your identity. The 9–5 is everything. It’s the measure of worth, success, stability. I believed in it too- for a long time.

I invested years of my life doing everything “right”: earning degrees, building my education, interning, strengthening my résumé, working at top companies. I did exactly what I was supposed to do.

And then… I walked away from all of it.

It also doesn't help that I have no routine. I sleep super late and I wake up late. After waking up, I have nothing "real" or "productive" to do. The most productive thing I do is write these blogs.. but nobody knows about it.

Not a single soul at this point knows everything that I am writing here.

Every single day, I face a lot of judgement and critisism.. from family, relatives, friends, strangers even..

All they see is a girl who left her "perfect" marriage, left her stable career.. and is now doing nothing but being a bum all day.

For someone who cared about her image and reputation.. it's a pretty hard hit. I built my self-esteem on my healthy marriage/relationship and on my successful career. Just to leave it all behind.

I know I will continue facing more criticism and judgement.. until it all plays out. That's what I am hoping for. That everyone who thinks useless today- will later witness how Allah elevates me.

And even if Allah never elevates me in the public eye.. it honestly doesn't matter because at the end of the day, I am doing this for Islam.

Yes- I gave up my marriage, my career, my routine, my identiy, even love.. but I like to think of it in this way-

That I am now sacrificing my life for Islam. It's all for my akhirah at this point because truly.. in this dunya, at least in this moment, I don't have much left.