I Thought I Wanted Him, But I Wanted Myself More.

I am finally at the point where this sentence resonates with my heart. Trust me, I wanted Rafiq badly all these months. Not a single day has passed where I did not think about him or dream of reunion.

Not a single day.

There comes a point when the pain becomes unbearable and you miss feeling normal again. When I say normal, I don't mean.. away from this awakening. I would not trade my awakeing for anything in the world.

When I say normal- I mean not waiting around for a man to come rescue me and mend my heart. I miss feeling like I don't need a man. That a man doesn't control my day to day emotions and moods. That's what this awakening does.. I realized how out of hand this "love" was getting for me. I couln't be normal anymore.. I couldn't think properly anymore.. I couldn't live my life anymore.

And it was scaring me...

The obsessive thoughts. The fantasies. The constant loops. The suspense. The question mark. It feels good for a little bit.. until you realize you've become a slave to it.

The same things that used to feel good.. now feel horrible.

I spent so many nights thinking about Rafiq, our love, our moments, our conversations, our feelings, our emotions.. our story. About the past, present, future.

Everything in between. I thought about it all. Over and over.

It felt like I was decaying over time and hit rock bottom. My Paris/Strasbourg trip was my rock bottom.. where I finally had to admit to myself, this is becoming too much. It's getting out of hand. And I am losing myself. My sanity. My life.

I needed to get a hold of myself. But I can't do it without the help of Allah.

I finally wanted myself more than I wanted Rafiq. This was a huge breakthrough.

Once you have gotten to this point, no outcome can break you.