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During the stillness phase or known as the "cocoon phase", it feels like your duas are bouncing off the walls. The past month or so that's how I have been feeling.. I made so many duas. I prayed tahajjud several times, even isthikhara. I always ask for the same thing over and over.. "Allah- If what Rafiq and I have is true and if it's written for us to be together, then open an unexpected door that only you can open. If not, then gently remove him from my heart." Everytime I

I’m in Casablanca as I write this, and a new realization just hit me. For months now- especially leading up to this trip- I’ve been begging for movement. Any movement at all. I wanted Allah to show me the next door. I would imagine rebuilding my life- packing my bags, relocating, starting a new job, starting completely new. I have been begging for this.. praying for this.. Feeling so much anxiety about not knowing what is next. Especially right before coming back to Casablanc

Thankfully, after that first emotionally overwhelming day in Istanbul, my emotions settled. I was finally able to be present- to actually enjoy the trip with my friends. This time, I explored Istanbul more deeply. We went to the Bosphorus area, which I hadn’t visited on my previous trip. It was beautiful. We went to so many mosques and tried our best to pray on time while being out and exploring the city. I can't even keep track of how many different mosques we prayed at. Blu

Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness from Allah) Effect: Instant softness in the heart Anxiety and depression easing Obsessive thoughts quieting Emotional heaviness lifting Within a few days to a week, the shift can feel undeniable. Even if nothing external changes, you internally feel more at peace. ------------------------ Ya Fattah The Opener. The One who unlocks what is closed.The One who clears paths. This Name is directly connected to: New beginnings Movem

I was not expecting to feel this way. I was super excited to come to Istanbul again. After all, it’s the birthplace of my spiritual awakening. But the moment I landed at the airport, it hit me. All at once. The memories. Every single thing I experienced six months ago when everything first began. I was immediately reminded of Rafiq… of Pakistan… of that version of me whose heart had just been cracked open. I was going through airport logistics- passport control, getting bagga

Tomorrow morning I leave for Istanbul.. again. I am going with a couple of childhood friends for one of their birthday's. My friend picked out Istanbul.. But in my heart, I know this is more than just a “trip.” Istanbul sits deep in my heart. It's the location where my awakening first started. After Rafiq pulled away.. I went through my heartbreak.. I started praying isthikhara and tahajjud non-stop.. then Allah unveiled me- it's Rafiq.. whether that's true or not. And just f

As the days passed, I found myself making more and more tasbihs. I chose beads that felt beautiful that day- shades that stood out, pendants that pulled at me quietly. I thought I was simply picking what I liked... What I didn’t realize then was that each tasbih was carrying meaning long before I understood it. Each one I made was during a certain phase or stage of my awakening. One day I made a really pretty blue/silver tasbih. When I finished, I realized I had enough leftov

If you are going through an awakening, then you will surely go through stillness- also known as the "cocoon" phase. This is the phase where you are waiting for Allah to open the new door. Your old life ended and your new life hasn't started yet. You marriage is ending, you moved to a temporary location, your job may have ended.. yet nothing has started. You are stuck in the middle with no partner, no permenant home, no job, barely any money, and no set routine. When my cocoon

I went through some of the darkest days and nights of my awakening It started after my intense dhikr. Multple nights went by where I felt so much despair. It truly hit me that THIS is my test.. Yes, I have experience tests before especially during my marriage, in the grief of losing the love I once had with my husband, and through the heartbreak I experienced with Rafiq. But this moment was different. This felt like the test of my life. I wanted Allah to take me away. To take

A few days ago, something came over me. I suddenly felt this deep urge to go all in with my prayers and dhikr. For many months, I was praying just the daily five prayers and doing light dikhr, mainly reciting Astaghfurullah. But after a long time, I felt pulled to do more. I started praying isthikahra two times- once after Isha and once before Fajr. I began doing intense dhikr for hours at a time. This went on for a few nights. I don't know what got into me. I felt like I am

The title says it all. I had to make it as bold as I possibly could. There are no articles on this online. I've spent months searching up similar stories to what I have experienced and there's absolutely nothing. Do you believe you are seeing signs? Are you seeing back to back things such as colors, words, name, etc? Did you get an unusual feeling as if Allah dropped a knowing in your body related to your future (love life, marriage, etc)? Do you feel like something unusual i

I have talked a lot about love for Rafiq, even about love for Allah. I didn't talk much about love for myself. Infact, it's something I didn't realize until tonight. I went through in-laws betrayal while being married to my husband. They weren't happy with my lifestyle and individualism. My cousin and I were discussing my experience within my marriage and she was asking me what I expect or what I am looking for differently in my next marriage, if Allah wills it. I kept saying

I was visiting my friend Zaria- the one who went to Casablance with me and witnessed my awakening experience. We spent the day talking about random things, just catching up. At some point, I noticed a tasbih sitting on her kitchen counter. It was one I had given her from Makkah- from my trip last year. When I went to Makkah, I bought several tasbihs. Some for friends and family, and one for myself. But after moving out of my husband’s house, I realized I couldn’t find mine an

Let me guess. You're suffering through a deep heartbreak; whether that man pulled away, left you, betrayed you.. whatever it might be. Regardless of who you are- there is a REAL reason this is happening to you. And no- it has absolutely nothing to do with that man. Infact, it's not even that man's fault. It's yours. But before I blame you; let me take some blame for myself. I am the perfect example of this. My entire life I have cared about love. So fricking much. I grew up w

The day my legal divorce process began was the same day I got all of my belongings back from my husband's house- was also the same day that I recieved a call from one of our mutual friends from Iran. She wasn't aware of my divorce.. at all. She didn't even know that I left my husband's home. That I had been staying with my cousin for months. This was the first time I was going to share it with her. I picked up the phone and we talked as usual.. I told her that I have somethin

I know how you feel. Hopeless. Helpless. No words. Mentally ill. No matter how much you cry, how much you pray, how much you beg.. nothing changes. This shitty feeling- it continues and you know it will continues. It feels like you are stuck. Obsessed. Abnormal. You're in love with someone who may not even care for you or even think about you. The way you suffered day and night.. they didn't. For them time flew by. For you- everything was stuck in place. That place is when yo

I don't even like the color grey. Never did. However, after this.. it sits in a special place in my heart. This is a big one. I visited a couple friends last night and we were all discussing different rulings of Islam. We all like to debate alot and are very passionate when it comes to Islamic topics.. The question came up- If Islam is black and white or if it has a grey area? All of my friends argued and gave references to the quran.. they gave many different examples on why

I was staying at my cousin's house and my "cocoon" phase had started. The cocoon phase is simple to explain. It’s like when a butterfly retreats into a cocoon- developing, changing, reorganizing, but all of it happens invisibly. For me- it's when absolutely nothing is happen for a very long time. It's hard. Days pass. Weeks pass. And I sit here realizing that everything is exactly the same.. My heart feels stuck- but so does my life. Externally, nothing moves. Internally, not

While growing up, I have always been super expressive. I have always been bold when it comes to love. However, when Allah is involved in the story, our habits take a backseat. You can no longer steer what's not yours to steer. Rafiq knew I was falling in love with him.. but he didn't know that I loved him. I didn't understand where that love was coming from. It felt like it was planted by Allah. I wasn't understanding why I am crying so much over this guy.. I have fallen in l

This is one of the craziet part's about awakening. No matter how bad it gets, and trust me- it can get pretty bad.. you just can't share this with anybody. It's so strange. There is no other experience in life that is like this. If a person goes through all hardship in life, whether its loss, death, heartbreak, illness, depression, etc- they can share it with their loved ones. I have a lot of loved ones. A big family. Siblings. So many good friends. I wish so much that I can