The Opposite Effect of Extra Prayer.

A few days ago, something came over me. I suddenly felt this deep urge to go all in with my prayers and dhikr.

For many months, I was praying just the daily five prayers and doing light dikhr, mainly reciting Astaghfurullah.

But after a long time, I felt pulled to do more.

I started praying isthikahra two times- once after Isha and once before Fajr. I began doing intense dhikr for hours at a time. This went on for a few nights.

I don't know what got into me.

I felt like I am doing it for a reason.. to prepare for something.

In my mind, I was focused on two possible outcomes: either Allah would show me something; open a door or he would take the feelings for Rafiq away.

Instead, the exact opposite happened.

My feelings intensified.

It didn't make any sense to me.. It feels like my progess of the past few weeks where my feelings for him cooled down- it all went down the drain.

Suddenly, I couldn’t focus anymore. I stopped writing. I stopped editing my blogs. I didn’t want to do anything. All I could think about was Rafiq- and honestly, I still feel that way.

Infact, last night I was so frustrated that I started throwing stuff on the ground. I had so much feelings surfacing up.. and nowhere for it to go.

I didn't understand it.. I thought tahajjud + isthikhara + dikhr would make me, at the very least, feel better.

Instead, I felt so much worse.

I still do.

I don't really understand what is happening... how is this is the answer to my prayers?

It feels ironic, if anything. You’d think that intense prayer would automatically bring calm to the heart. But sometimes… it doesn’t.

I don’t know if this is Allah testing me again, or preparing me for a door to open, or preparing me to finally let go of Rafiq.

I honestly have no idea.

But if you’re in the same place- where you’re doing more: praying, making dhikr, fasting, trying- and the aftermath feels heavier instead of lighter… just know this is normal.

You’re not broken.

You’re not doing anything wrong.

And you’re not alone. ❤️