The Loudest 'I Love You' Was the One I Never Said.

While growing up, I have always been super expressive. I have always been bold when it comes to love.

However, when Allah is involved in the story, our habits take a backseat. You can no longer steer what's not yours to steer.

Rafiq knew I was falling in love with him.. but he didn't know that I loved him. I didn't understand where that love was coming from.

It felt like it was planted by Allah.

I wasn't understanding why I am crying so much over this guy..

I have fallen in love before. I have had heartbreaks before.

But this was something else.

I had never experience this kind of love. It was a soul-deep type of love. I didn't even experience this feeling with my husband. It's the type of love where you can just feel and not do... because there is nothing for you to do.. only Allah does, if he wrote it.

I woke up my second day in Paris and that's the morning I had my internal breakthrough moment.

I finally stopped resisting.

I finally accepted..

That I not only don't need to know the outcome, I actually don't want to know the outcome. I don't want any answers. I just want peace. And more importantly, I wanted to love Rafiq- fully. Without feeling any guiilt.

Up until that moment, I kept making myself believe that I need to either know if he is my divine partner or not. I kept thinking that i need to get my closure either through a dream, a conversation, or a sign. But I had to accept..

..that getting my answer will not do anything for me.

I am the type of person that needs my heart aligned to the situation in real life.. even if Allah came down and gave me the answer, my heart wouldn't accept it.

No matter what dream I have, what signs I see, or what conversation I could possibly have with Rafiq.. I wasn't going to get my true closure. For once in this entire journey.. I did not NEED closure, infact- I did not even want it.

I was finally okay with just loving him and loving our story.

I was finally okay with loving what Allah unveiled to me before my awakening began.

Even if it was just an unveiling and not the real outcome.

I was finally not bargaining with Allah.

I was finally not feeling tension about the future or outcome.

I was finally letting go....

I wanted to honor what we had. Even if he didn't care about me, even if he betrayed me, even if he had not even an ounce of love for me in his heart, I still wanted to love him.

That's just how I felt. I couldn't control it. And that's all I needed... I left the rest up to Allah. i was finally at the point of true surrender. I had surrendered so much to the point of even being okay if I never find love again, never fall in love again, never get married again, never have a companion in this dunya again- if that's the path Allah wrote for me.

I wanted to love Rafiq because it was the truth that lived and still lives in my heart. I have loved other guys in the past... but this love was different.

Allah is my witness.

And that is enough for me.