Deep Love. And Deep Pain.

I know how you feel. Hopeless. Helpless. No words. Mentally ill.

No matter how much you cry, how much you pray, how much you beg.. nothing changes.

This shitty feeling- it continues and you know it will continues. It feels like you are stuck. Obsessed. Abnormal.

You're in love with someone who may not even care for you or even think about you. The way you suffered day and night.. they didn't. For them time flew by. For you- everything was stuck in place.

That place is when you were last happy, wanted, and desired by them. When you were seen by them. And you would give anything to go back to those moments.

When you guys used to talk, text, interact.. have moments of affection/love.. you never thought in a million years that you would end up broken like this.

You never saw it coming. You had no idea.

You had no clue. What would happen to you. You had no clue that this person will be break you deeply. You had no idea that you will get shattered. You had no idea that your life will fall apart. You had no idea how much you would suffer.

You had no idea... that this will become the biggest test of your entire life..

Did you know it? No.

It's not just a pain or a longing. It's a shock. This shock is too big to absorb.

And now you wait day in and day out.. You sleep with the same thought and you wake up with the same though. Minutes pass. Hours pass. Days pass. Just like the sun comes up and sets.. the moon comes up and goes down.. but your heart is exactly where it was.

Stuck. With him.

You go back and forth between hope and helpnessness... even though so much time has passed and absolutely nothing has happened and your brain knows nothing will happen. Each day will be the same.

Yet your heart hopes even if its a .01% chance that maybe.. just maybe.. one day he will message you.

Maybe just maybe- you will open your phone and see his name.

One day you will open your phone and see his message.

One day you will open your phone and see that he tells you he loves you.

That he's sorry for everything.

That he wants to make it work with you.

That you're the one for him.

Maybe.. just maybe.. one day.

If Allow wills it. At the end- its under Allah's control that? No matter how much we sit here and think it's just the man's will- but we know its not true.

Nothing, absolutely nothing can happen without Allah's will. And that may be the point?

Maybe that man will never message you.. because Allah will never let him.

Because maybe Allah never wrote it for you.

Allah didn't will for that man to love you.

Allah didn't will for you guys to end up together in this lifetime.. in this dunya.

When we put Allah's planning into the equation.. it makes everything more complicated. It takes the control away from the man and onto Allah's will.

That is the truth.

But does it make the pain or the waiting or the longing go away?

No.

You still sit here in pain. Waiting for something, just anything to happen. Waiting for a miracle. Waiting for movement. Waiting for relief.

You wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

And wait.

What more can I say? The waiting doesn't stop. The feeling doesn't go away. It gets to a point where you don't even know what to think anymore. What to ask for anymore.

No amount of advise will help you. This is beyond your own willpower.

You feel helpless... I get it.

I feel helpless too. I sit here every single day waiting too. I cry every single day too. I fantasize every single day too. I obsess every single day too. On repeat.

And this has been going on for 10 months straight now. I have no idea how I have survived.. how am I even alive? How am I even sane?

Look- there's nothing I can say here or you can read here to feel better. Nothing written here will make you finally stop loving that person or move on. Nothing written here will bring you relief.

But I am just writing here just to write. There is no purpose for this blog.. I am just writing whatever comes to mind.

No re-reading, no editing, just raw.. emotions.

Raw emotions of a woman in her late 20's deeply in love with a man that pulled away.

Raw emotions of a women whose biggest test in life is...

Love.