Accepting Stillness.

I’m in Casablanca as I write this, and a new realization just hit me.

For months now- especially leading up to this trip- I’ve been begging for movement.

Any movement at all.

I wanted Allah to show me the next door. I would imagine rebuilding my life- packing my bags, relocating, starting a new job, starting completely new.

I have been begging for this.. praying for this..

Feeling so much anxiety about not knowing what is next.

Especially right before coming back to Casablanca.

I remember even thinking to myself that if i don’t get the next step during this trip- i will be devastated.

But last night, something shifted.

I realized something big.

I’m not ready.

I want to be ready… but I’m not.

A new opportunity. Packing my bags. Moving. Working again. On the surface, it all sounded like the solution to my stillness. Like the obvious answer.

Because who, in this kind of stillness, wouldn’t want movement?

But I really thought about it last night and I was wrong. In this current moment, the way I truly feel inside- my heart is deeply attached to one outcome.

Rafiq. And Iran.

It doesn’t matter what opportunity appears. Maybe it would feel like temporary relief. Maybe it would distract me for a while. But eventually it would hit me again- physically I would be moving forward, yet emotionally I would still feel stuck.

Stuck on Rafiq.

Stuck on Iran.

I’m so deeply attached that any movement unrelated to him or Tehran doesn’t excite me. It makes me feel sad. Unmotivated.

So what would be the point?

If tomorrow I found out I was moving to a different country… would I truly feel settled inside?

Not really.

Because the unresolved question surrounding Rafiq would still live in my chest.

For the first time EVER.. I would rather be in this stillness. No, i am not ready for a new opportunity. I am not ready to pack my bags and move. I am not ready to start over.

Because my heart is fully stuck.

And for the first time, I’m okay admitting that.

I don’t want random movement anymore. I want clarity. I want relief regarding Rafiq. That feels like the only thing that would truly allow my heart to move forward. The only thing that would let me genuinely rebuild my life; not just rearrange it.