Hitting The Lowest Point Of My Life.

I went through some of the darkest days and nights of my awakening

It started after my intense dhikr.

Multple nights went by where I felt so much despair. It truly hit me that THIS is my test..

Yes, I have experience tests before especially during my marriage, in the grief of losing the love I once had with my husband, and through the heartbreak I experienced with Rafiq.

But this moment was different.

This felt like the test of my life.

I wanted Allah to take me away.

To take my soul away.

To end me.

Just so I can finally stop feeling the pain once and for all.

I felt the urge to run into the wilderness, to scream, to escape- to do anything that might release what I was carrying inside.

Do anything at all. But there's nothing I could have done.

I begged.

I pleaded Allah to take this pain away.

By the time morning came.. I accepted that this is my test. This is the test Allah wrote for me before I was even born.

And somehow, I understood that I have to face it.