Loving Myself More.

I have talked a lot about love for Rafiq, even about love for Allah.

I didn't talk much about love for myself. Infact, it's something I didn't realize until tonight.

I went through in-laws betrayal while being married to my husband. They weren't happy with my lifestyle and individualism. My cousin and I were discussing my experience within my marriage and she was asking me what I expect or what I am looking for differently in my next marriage, if Allah wills it.

I kept saying over and over how I want to be married to a man that is just like me- someone open minded, not involved in our cultural bias/stigma, someone authentic, truthful, and a believer of individualism- especially for women. Not just that, I want his family to be the same. And if his family doesn't have the same mentality, then I would want a living situation where my my husband and I are living somewhere else entirely.

Basically my point was.. I am not willing to compromise myself. I am no longer willing to mold for others. I am no longer willing to conform to society or our culture. I am no longer chasing validation from others.

I am not willing to shrink myself anymore. And I am definitely not willing to love a man more than myself..

and that includes Rafiq.

I had this realization tonight. I am finally at a point where I not only love Allah, but I love myself more than Rafiq. I actually do.

I don't want to be in an unhappy marriage. I don't want to be part of a backwards family. I don't want to be in a situation where I have to shrink myself to make others feel comfortable. I spent so many months crying over Rafiq, longing for Rafiq, and hoping day and night.. that Allah wrote us together.

I still do hope that.

But not at the cost of myself. I love myself more. And I am not willing to be with a man that is going to cost me myself.. not even Rafiq.

I want Allah to give me what's best for me, who is best for me, the environment that I can thrive in.. not just whoever I "love" in the moment.

I finally feel like I love myself more. Externally- nothing has changed. I am still sitting at my cousin's house.. I don't have a job. I am short on money. I don't have a set routine. I have no answers. All I do is make tasbihs here and there.. and write my blogs..

I go out sometimes.. spend time with my cousins.

But something inside of me shifted. I am okay. I no longer have that obsession or craze. I no longer feel desperate. I am okay with myself and being by myself..

I love me.