Istanbul Hit me Hard.

I was not expecting to feel this way. I was super excited to come to Istanbul again.

After all, it’s the birthplace of my spiritual awakening.

But the moment I landed at the airport, it hit me. All at once. The memories. Every single thing I experienced six months ago when everything first began. I was immediately reminded of Rafiq… of Pakistan… of that version of me whose heart had just been cracked open.

I was going through airport logistics- passport control, getting baggage, getting a taxi.. but my heart was struck all at once.

The drive to the hotel was hard. Seeing my name everywhere again, just like last time. The same streets. The same energy. The adhan echoing in the distance. The sounds, the animals, the familiarity of it all.

And this time, I saw Rafiq’s name even more. In the most random places. I wasn’t even thinking about him- yet his name kept appearing, almost following me.

I’m here with my friends, and they have no idea about my awakening. So I have to act normal… when I feel anything but normal.

We got to the hotel an hour ago and I wanted to sob..

I can’t take this feeling. It’s so overwhelming.

I feel like the old me from 6 months ago- the one whose heart Allah cracked open.

I didn’t realize how deeply returning to the place where it all started would affect me. This is the place of my birth.

My spiritual rebirth.

Now I just have to get through this week. Smile. Act normal in front of everyone. While internally handling my emotions and whatever it is that Allah wants me to feel here..

I honestly cant stop sobbing… I just hope I can make it through.