My Story

The past few days I started getting an overload of signs. At first I kept telling myself to ignore them and how I need to move forward with my life and stop overthinking the signs.. But the signs become way too much to ignore. They're constant. My signs include phrases like.. leak, spill, slip, drunk, rage, low, pierce, explode, sick, tears, fights, caught, videos, audios, and many more.. At the same time I've been getting signs of "girls", "cheat", "betray". I am not sure wh

So I'm leaving my parent's home and staying with my cousin and her husband.. They have a room available, which feels like exactly what I need right now. More than anything, they’re busy with their own lives-and that alone gives me the space I’ve been craving. Space to finally sit with everything that’s happened over the past few months without feeling watched, questioned, or rushed. I love my family deeply, but I had to make this move for my own sanity. I’ve just left my husb

I got back from my Paris trip a few days ago and returned to my family. When I first had the dream instructing me to leave my marriage, I was in denial thinking that I will simply go back to my family's house and stay there until I get re-married again, if i get re-married again. I imagined it would be calm. Peaceful. I pictured myself resting, spending time with my parents and siblings again, writing in quiet, and slowly settling into my “new” life. I was completely wrong. I

There's a pattern to awakenings. I’m starting to understand that now-slowly, painfully, as I live through it. It often begins the same way: The man pulls away. The woman is left devastated. Then the awakening begins. The woman is shown that this is the one. The soulmate. The divine love written for her. After this point, the woman likely spends many months obessing, fantasizing, and day-dreaming about this love.. She believes this love is sacred- that Allah showed it to her b

After staying in Paris for the first three days, I headed over to Strasbourg- a quiet beautiful city in France. I spent three days there as well and similar to Paris- my emotions were super raw. I was crying constantly, no matter where I was. Then came my last night in Strasbourg- and that was when I hit my first real breaking point. I didn’t expect it to get that bad. I was in so much pain. I remember sitting alone in my hotel room, throwing things around. Sitting on a chai

It was only Day 3 in Paris- my last day before I left for Strasbourg. And there I experienced, my Paris moment. After getting ready, I decided to take my airpods.. I didn't understand why, but I had a feeling I'd need them. I honestly thought it was for my own relaxation. I stopped by the same breakfast spot that I had gone to the day before.. that breakfast spot had Rafiq's name on it with the word "Original". The name of the spot was "Rafiq Original". What a play on words l

Within a few days of arriving, it finally hit me what the true purpose of this trip was. This was my first solo trip ever.. And it wasn’t about sightseeing or taking cute pictures. It was about something much heavier, much deeper. It was the first time since my awakening began that I was truly alone. No noise. No distractions. No family. No routine. No one to run to. Just me- and Allah. And that's when it hit me how much my heart had not processed. On the surface, my days in

I started getting signs for Paris and for a small French city called Strasbourg. I knew it meant something, but I kept ignoring it off. But the more I ignored it, the louder the signs became.. Until one night, I decided to book the ticket for Paris. I planned to go by myself. My first solo trip ever. It was going to be a week long trip. Three days in Paris. Three in Strasbourg. I packed my bags with zero idea what Allah had planned for me. But the moment I got to the airport

My heart first moved toward hijab during my trip to Casablanca with Zaria- back when my awakening quietly began. Something inside me shifted there. I remember feeling, for the first time, that I want my external to match my internal. But when I came home, I kept delaying the decision. Honestly, out of all the rulings in Islam; wearing hijab was the hardest one for me. It's more than just covering hair. It would change my lifestyle, my identity, how I dressed, how I presented

Before I came to my family's house, Allah started showing me new signs. It started right after my trip to Tehran, while I was still living with my husband. I call them the signs of Mr. T... Up until that point, every sign I had ever received pointed only toward Rafiq. So when the signs suddenly shifted, I panicked. I remember thinking: What is happening? Why is everything flipping? I had read about signs flipping for awakened women- that sometimes Allah redirects their hearts

Facing my family was one of the hardest parts of this entire journey. I went into it knowing I had no real “story” to give them. I had nothing to say. And I definitely couldn’t tell them the truth- Rafiq, my awakening, the signs, the unveiling. They would never understand it. If anything, they would think something was wrong with me. How would I explain to them- that I want to leave a good man? There was nothing bad I could say about my husband. My marriage wasn’t terrible. I

After Allah revealed my soul mission to me- I had spent the next few days working on it. Setting up my website, paying for the domain, setting up my blogs, etc. At the same time, I was still living with my husband. We had become strangers sharing the same space.. our only conversations were about food or small, practical things. Beyond that, there was silence. Days kept passing, and inside, I felt anxious. I knew I needed to start packing and go stay with my family, but I was

I mentioned in my previous blog that I told my husband a few details about my awakening and how Allah had shown me signs, colors, etc. My husband was naturally curious about this a few days after him and I had a conversation about my marriage. He didn't understand what this "awakening" thing was about. He said he couldn’t find anything about awakenings, signs, or spiritual unveiling in Islam- not in the Qur’an, not online, not in any lecture. And, honestly… neither could I.

I was planning on having a conversation with my husband the day I got back. From the moment he came to pick me up at the airport, the weight of that conversation sat in my chest. I wanted to tell him about my dream.. and more importantly- tell him that in my heart, our marriage had ended. We had talked before about the places we fell short with one another, but this time it was different. This time it wasn’t about fixing anything. It was about truth. He was so happy when he p

When I was flying back home, I genuinely thought the awakening was ending. I thought the signs, the colors, the synchronicities- all of it, would stop once I left Tehran. I remember feeling sad about it on the plane. But I didn’t realize my journey was actually just beginning. Actually- purple and teal became the most powerful color combination in my awakening journey. I didn't know this was the combo until my last day at Tehran. Purple and teal became the most powerful color

It was my last day in Pakistan. My last day with Rafiq. I write this one with grief.. longing.. sadness that still sits in my chest. When Rafiq came home from work that day, I could feel it instantly. There was tension in the air. A heaviness. He knew I was leaving. Up until this point, nothing between us was addressed. No confession. No apology. No closure. Just silence.. and everything we never said. I started packing in the afternoon.. His wife and younger brother were hel

If there was one moment, just one from my entire stay at Rafiq's house that meant the most to me, it was this night. This was the highlight of everything. The day itself was ordinary. The usual- breakfast, some family time, going out, watching TV. Nothing special. That night in particular everyone left the family room and went upstairs. His wife went to bed early. She wasn't feeling well. Rafiq also left.. I thought he went to the rooftop to talk to someone. The family room w

One afternoon, Rafiq’s family was hosting guests in the garden. I sat with them for a while, but I got tired and came back inside. I went to the TV room and sat down on the couch. That’s when I noticed a book placed right next to me. It was “The Forty Rules of Love”  by Elif Shafak. The title caught my attention. The cover was a cute drawing of a guy and a girl facing one another.. and the background- I could tell that they were in an Islamic country. I picked the book up and

This had to be one of Allah’s most astonishing orchestrations. I woke up that morning and felt a pull to wear my purple dress. I didn’t understand why, but something about it felt right- like it was chosen for me. The day itself was pretty normal. I spent the day mainly with Rafiq's family.. we sat out in the garden for a little bit too. While walking towards their garden, I noticed a basket of cherries sitting in their family room. I didn't notice it any of the other days, s

The rest of my stay at Rafiq's family's house was filled with dinners and a steady routine. Dinners, conversations, and a predictable routine. During the day, I spent time with his parents and wife while he was at work. When he would come home from work, we all would have dinner. Every single night, the seating arrangement stayed the same. I sat at the end, his wife next to me, and him beside her—his wife right in between us. You can probably imagine how that felt. We couldn’