All Posts

If you are going through an awakening, then you will surely go through stillness- also known as the "cocoon" phase. This is the phase where you are waiting for Allah to open the new door. Your old life ended and your new life hasn't started yet. You marriage is ending, you moved to a temporary location, your job may have ended.. yet nothing has started. You are stuck in the middle with no partner, no permenant home, no job, barely any money, and no set routine. When my cocoon

I went through some of the darkest days and nights of my awakening It started after my intense dhikr. Multple nights went by where I felt so much despair. It truly hit me that THIS is my test.. Yes, I have experience tests before especially during my marriage, in the grief of losing the love I once had with my husband, and through the heartbreak I experienced with Rafiq. But this moment was different. This felt like the test of my life. I wanted Allah to take me away. To take

A few days ago, something came over me. I suddenly felt this deep urge to go all in with my prayers and dhikr. For many months, I was praying just the daily five prayers and doing light dikhr, mainly reciting Astaghfurullah. But after a long time, I felt pulled to do more. I started praying isthikahra two times- once after Isha and once before Fajr. I began doing intense dhikr for hours at a time. This went on for a few nights. I don't know what got into me. I felt like I am

The title says it all. I had to make it as bold as I possibly could. There are no articles on this online. I've spent months searching up similar stories to what I have experienced and there's absolutely nothing. Do you believe you are seeing signs? Are you seeing back to back things such as colors, words, name, etc? Did you get an unusual feeling as if Allah dropped a knowing in your body related to your future (love life, marriage, etc)? Do you feel like something unusual i

I have talked a lot about love for Rafiq, even about love for Allah. I didn't talk much about love for myself. Infact, it's something I didn't realize until tonight. I went through in-laws betrayal while being married to my husband. They weren't happy with my lifestyle and individualism. My cousin and I were discussing my experience within my marriage and she was asking me what I expect or what I am looking for differently in my next marriage, if Allah wills it. I kept saying

I was visiting my friend Zaria- the one who went to Casablance with me and witnessed my awakening experience. We spent the day talking about random things, just catching up. At some point, I noticed a tasbih sitting on her kitchen counter. It was one I had given her from Makkah- from my trip last year. When I went to Makkah, I bought several tasbihs. Some for friends and family, and one for myself. But after moving out of my husband’s house, I realized I couldn’t find mine an

Let me guess. You're suffering through a deep heartbreak; whether that man pulled away, left you, betrayed you.. whatever it might be. Regardless of who you are- there is a REAL reason this is happening to you. And no- it has absolutely nothing to do with that man. Infact, it's not even that man's fault. It's yours. But before I blame you; let me take some blame for myself. I am the perfect example of this. My entire life I have cared about love. So fricking much. I grew up w

The day my legal divorce process began was the same day I got all of my belongings back from my husband's house- was also the same day that I recieved a call from one of our mutual friends from Iran. She wasn't aware of my divorce.. at all. She didn't even know that I left my husband's home. That I had been staying with my cousin for months. This was the first time I was going to share it with her. I picked up the phone and we talked as usual.. I told her that I have somethin

I know how you feel. Hopeless. Helpless. No words. Mentally ill. No matter how much you cry, how much you pray, how much you beg.. nothing changes. This shitty feeling- it continues and you know it will continues. It feels like you are stuck. Obsessed. Abnormal. You're in love with someone who may not even care for you or even think about you. The way you suffered day and night.. they didn't. For them time flew by. For you- everything was stuck in place. That place is when yo

I don't even like the color grey. Never did. However, after this.. it sits in a special place in my heart. This is a big one. I visited a couple friends last night and we were all discussing different rulings of Islam. We all like to debate alot and are very passionate when it comes to Islamic topics.. The question came up- If Islam is black and white or if it has a grey area? All of my friends argued and gave references to the quran.. they gave many different examples on why

I was staying at my cousin's house and my "cocoon" phase had started. The cocoon phase is simple to explain. It’s like when a butterfly retreats into a cocoon- developing, changing, reorganizing, but all of it happens invisibly. For me- it's when absolutely nothing is happen for a very long time. It's hard. Days pass. Weeks pass. And I sit here realizing that everything is exactly the same.. My heart feels stuck- but so does my life. Externally, nothing moves. Internally, not

While growing up, I have always been super expressive. I have always been bold when it comes to love. However, when Allah is involved in the story, our habits take a backseat. You can no longer steer what's not yours to steer. Rafiq knew I was falling in love with him.. but he didn't know that I loved him. I didn't understand where that love was coming from. It felt like it was planted by Allah. I wasn't understanding why I am crying so much over this guy.. I have fallen in l

This is one of the craziet part's about awakening. No matter how bad it gets, and trust me- it can get pretty bad.. you just can't share this with anybody. It's so strange. There is no other experience in life that is like this. If a person goes through all hardship in life, whether its loss, death, heartbreak, illness, depression, etc- they can share it with their loved ones. I have a lot of loved ones. A big family. Siblings. So many good friends. I wish so much that I can

This is the part of awakening that nobody warned me about. There is an internal and then there is an external. Interally, awakened women are going through a lot. It literally feels like a ego/soul death. It's a total rewiring of not just a person's life, but a person's mind, heart, soul, everything. On the outside, nobody sees that. Externally, people will judge you based off what they see. And what is it that they will see? They will just see a woman going through a divorce-

Do you want to know how bad it gets? It gets really bad. Sometimes I wonder to myself- how did I make it this far? I have spent countless days thinking about Rafiq. Days turned into weeks, and now weeks into months… and I am still not over him. It feels impossible. I have tried everything. I tried to stop fantasizing. I cut off music for some time. I stopped reading our old text messages. I tried blocking out any thought of him. I stopped imagining the future. Nothing works.

I am so tired. So tired of going back and forth on literally everything. If you feel like you’re constantly at war with yourself, just know: it's normal. This has been my reality for a while now. I guess that is the point of an awakening. It's not a "one and done" sort of situation. If it were that easy to make up your mind and move on, it would defeat the entire purpose of this journey. Just last week, I was mentally done with Rafiq. Truly done. I told myself: no more fantas

In this journey, I focused so much on trying to figure out what my outcome would be. Is it Rafiq? Is it another man? Am I meant to be single forever? Will I find love again? Eventually.. I will get the answers to all of these questions. It may take a long time, but one day- I will know. However, there is one question that has crossed my mind hundred's of times.. and no matter how much I analyze it, over think it, try to figure it out.. I know that I will never know the answer

This is a big one. I didn't realize it, until now. Before my Paris trip, anytime I read stories of other awakened women and how Allah gives that woman either release (to let the masculine go) or the reunion (he comes back and expresses his heart).. I would always flinch at the thought of release. This used to happen a lot. In my mind, I could only imagine reunion. The thought of release was painful to me. It almost sounded like a bad word.. I couldn't get myself to think of i

Allah's silence- It feels brutal. At some point everything quiets down. So completely that it feels like nothing is happening at all. And strangely, it makes me miss the times I used to feel annoyed and overwhelmed by signs. It makes me miss all the times in Paris and Strasbourg when my body felt alive with constant sensations, the itching, the deep breathing that felt involuntary. I miss when every other thought seemed charged with meaning. When colors, symbols, words, and n

The past few days I started getting an overload of signs. At first I kept telling myself to ignore them and how I need to move forward with my life and stop overthinking the signs.. But the signs become way too much to ignore. They're constant. My signs include phrases like.. leak, spill, slip, drunk, rage, low, pierce, explode, sick, tears, fights, caught, videos, audios, and many more.. At the same time I've been getting signs of "girls", "cheat", "betray". I am not sure wh