The Question I Feared Answering.

There is one question that I have been avoiding the entire time.

I was too scared to ask myself.

If you’ve ever gone through a spiritual awakening after heartbreak, you know there’s always that one question your heart doesn’t feel ready to face.

I avoided it for months.

But tonight, I finally sat with it.

"What would I do with my life if my future does not include Rafiq?"

Honestly.. I never thought about it.

I was scared to.

Even if I tried to think about it in the past, it would make me feel so much despair.. I would feel like giving up on life and never pursuing anything or anyone ever again.

Life without him.. feels meaningless...

But this time, I had to swallow my feelings. I had to truly ask myself- that if Allah came down right now and told me that there is nothing left of Rafiq and I.

That he is not a part of my future..

But this time, I forced myself to stay in the discomfort.

I asked myself:

If Allah told me right now that there is nothing left between Rafiq and me- that he is not part of my future- then what?

What would my next move be?

Would I really want to stay here.. stuck?

No job.. no money.. staying at my cousin's house?

Is this what I am truly okay with..?

The answer is no.

Whether Rafiq is part of my future or not.. I cannot stay stuck here. Yes, my heart is stuck in one place, but I cannot continue being stuck-physically.

I have to get a job. I have to start applying. I have to think about relocation- for me, not for him.

So that's what I did. I updated my resume. I went on different websites and applied to different countries all over the world that provide housing and a bunch of other beneifts.

I sat down and asked myself what I would still want if he never came back.

I still want my own space.

I still want financial independence.

I still want a career that eases my anxiety and gives me purpose.

I still want the possibility of relocation.

I still want a fresh start.

Especially if he’s not the one.

Because I need a big enough change to help me forget about all of this..

Yeah, it sucks. It hurts. And it feels dissappointing.. but this is reality.

You may also be feeling this way.. stuck on a man. Stuck on a "what if". Stuck on an unveiling that Allah gave you. Stuck on a future that may or may not ever come true..

But really ask yourself-

What if it doesn’t?

What if he never comes back?What if he’s not the one written for you?

What if Allah told you that right now?

Then what would you do?

Then what?

Yeah- it's hurting me badly to even think about it.. and I won't get the answer to this.. not for a long time. I already know that.

But I can atleast move forward with everything else in my life. I can still move forward with my career. I can still move forward with relocation. I can still move forward with my life, even while not knowing the answer to this one question.

And if I am being completely honesty.. the more I move forward with my life or atleast plan to.. the further Rafiq feels..

And that realization is its own kind of heartbreak.