Missing Your Old Life.

Missing your old life is normal. There are days I wake up and question the decision to leave my marriage. I took the biggest decision of my life and as sure as I was and am.. it's still scary.

I wake up and just miss the old me. I miss my old life. The structure that it had. Yes, I wasn't fully at peace with my marriage. Yes, there was emotional betrayel. But I just miss having the stability, the structure, and a companion..

There are days when I miss my husband.. alot. It's not easy to just forget about a person you spent years with. Especially a man you married- lived with- planned a future with.

To go from that to nothing.. is so difficult.

I've been so alone the past however many months- that the thought of meeting him even once.. it honestly feels like relief.

Having someone to talk to.. to share what I am going through. To talk about my financial struggles. To talk to about my job search. To tell about my tasbihs and all the ideas I have. To travel with.. to sit beside.

I miss our day to day life. I miss us cooking together, eating together, watching movies together.

I miss our trips. They were a big one. We travelled to major destination spots and those trips are something I will never forget. I miss them so much.

I miss going to parties as a couple. I miss driving together. I miss our family moments.. family gatherings.. birthdays, anniversaries, occasions, movie nights.

I miss our laughter. Our jokes. Our cute little moments.

I miss sharing everything with him. Talking about Islam. Sharing funny things. Talking about the randomnest and dumbest stuff.

Yeah- I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I was still happy with him. He was the love of my life at one point, my husband, my everything at one point. And that never goes away even if the "in love" feeling vanishes.

...

I miss my old job.

I miss waking up and going to sleep not having to worry about routine.. and more importanlty, not having to worry about money. I miss not having to worry about getting paid on time. I miss being able to spend freely.. plan trips.. buy essentials..

Basically have the freedom to do what I want to do. Not feel restricted.

I miss having a stable routine. I miss my own privacy.. rather than moving back in to my parent's home. I miss having my own space.

My own TV. My own kitchen. My own bedroom. My own closet. My own bathroom.

My daily choices.. whether I want to cook in my kitchen, do groceries, watch TV..

I gave up.. everything.

I know deep in my heart that I made the right decision leaving my marriage and my old life, but the stillness phase just lasts so long.. and it feels so uncertain.

The feeling is so shitty that anything, and I mean literally anything else- would feel like instant relief.

I woke up this morning imagining-

What if I went back to my husband?

What if I had my previous job?

What if I was living my old life?

And it makes me so sad.. because I know I would be feeling 100x better than how I am feeling right now.

But even if I went back.. I wouldn't be living my truth. There is a reason all of this happened. There is a reason Allah changed the direction of my life. So if you're in the same boat-

You're entire life collapsed. You went from having all the answers to having no answer. You left everything behind. Your marriage. Your career. Your stability. Your freedom. Your lifestyle.

Sitting here right now, you may not be happy.. at all.

You may not be happy for awhile. You might question your decision over and over.

But just know that despite this phase being the absolute worst- it's temporary.

Allah has written a story for you. He has written great things for you, but you won't know what those things are until you get through this phase. And I know these sound like words to. you. None of this land in your body because so much time has passed and you feel shitty. Nothing is changing. Nothing is happening. Life is just passing by.

It makes it harder to believe that happiness is written. That good things are written.

Even though I am writing all of this, trying to give advice, telling all the women to hold on tight. I, myself, feel. no hope.

Sitting here right now, I actually cannot imagine being happy again. I can't imagine being happy in love again. I can't imagine feeling good again. Feeling relief again.

I can't imagine any of it. But i still have to keep going.

And so do you.