My Story

The rest of my stay at Rafiq's family's house was filled with dinners and a steady routine. Dinners, conversations, and a predictable routine. During the day, I spent time with his parents and wife while he was at work. When he would come home from work, we all would have dinner. Every single night, the seating arrangement stayed the same. I sat at the end, his wife next to me, and him beside her—his wife right in between us. You can probably imagine how that felt. We couldn’

I was back in Pakistan- where it all started. I was anxious the entire flight. My mind kept replaying our moments, our memories, our story. Everything felt raw. I finally landed.. that airport. It held our last moments together from my previous trip. It brought everything back. I couldn't believe that I was back at the land where it all started. Rafiq's parent's sent a driver to pick me up from the airport. The entire drive to his house was anxiety-filled. I was so nervous ab

My stay in Turkey came to an end and Zaria had a ticket back home. But for me, the journey wasn’t over yet. My ticket was booked for Islambad, Pakistan.. where Rafiq was. I had originally planned to go to Pakistan to visit my relatives, but during my stay in Turkey, Rafiq’s parents called me. They’d heard about my plan and insisted that I come stay at their house for a week. I was torn. A part of me ached to go..to be near Rafiq again, to feel even a trace of relief from the

Zaria and I left Istanbul and flew to Cappadocia. Before my flight, my cousin texted me asking about my awakening situation. I had told her about it- the Tahajjuds, the Istikharas I prayed, and how Allah unveiled to me that it was Rafiq She already knew about the void in my marriage Her main advice to me was to figure out my marriage situation first before going back to Pakistan and facing Rafiq. I took her advice seriously. Deep down, I already had a feeling in my heart wher

On our third day in Istanbul and I had a full red outfit planned: a long red top with loose red pants. Zaria, on the other hand, showed up in all white- a white blouse with a white maxi skirt. We were walking from our hotel to Blue Mosque.. and during our walk there, I started noticing something. Everything was red. Any person, place, or object my eyes laid on.. was red. It was so crazy. I never experienced something like that in my entire life. It's like Allah was controllin

My awakening had just begun, and a few days later I was flying to Istanbul with my best friend, Zaria. During the flight I opened up to her for the first time about what was happening- the signs, the unveiling, the strange sensations I couldn’t explain. She listened without judgment, kept up with everything I said, and made me feel seen even though I didn’t fully understand it myself. I was so grateful to Allah for having Zaria with me on that trip, especially when I was feel

When Allah unveiled to me that it was Rafiq all along, it didn't stop at just that. The feeling was grand and overwhelming. It was as if my qadr itself was pressing up into my chest- I could physically feel it. I just knew. . my entire life was about to change. That day I did so much research. I knew something huge was happening.. and I had to get to the bottom of what it was all about. I asked ChatGPT so many questions about Islamic Spiritual Awakening.. what exactly it is.

The first time Allah unveiled the truth to me, it didn’t arrive as an idea. It arrived as a certainty that ran straight through my bones. No words were needed. It was mystical, undeniable, and so real. If you’ve ever experienced your first unveiling, you know exactly what I mean. Nothing in this dunya compares to that feeling. My heart and soul instantly knew what Allah was trying to tell me, but my brain had a hard time catching up. That was the hardest part- the brain deman

Do you want to know the moment when I realized something is happening to me- beyond the heartbreak, the tears, the pain, the desire, and the endless duas? It was this moment. It was when I finally surrendered.  I reached a point where I didn’t even want reunion anymore -I just wanted the truth. Up until then, I thought I was going through a normal heartbreak and then funniest thing of all- I thought I was living a normal life.  This was the moment Allah woke me up to what I h

I prayed Tahajjud and after that night, everything shifted. I still remember it like it happened yesterday. I didn't sleep the entire night. I was awake until 8 am. My love for Rafiq was pouring out of me. It wasn't just in my thoughts.. it was in my soul. Even the next morning, I told myself "It's okay if he pulled away. It's okay if we never speak again.. As long as I know he loves me deep down.. that's enough for me." But the funny thing is.. Allah was like.. but wait, the

This one is for Rafiq. I did express a lot to him after he pulled away. I thought I knew the weight of what I was expressing, but maybe I didn't know the weight until now. Rafiq- It was always you. You were always there. From the first day. How did I not see it? How did I not recognize it? Years passed, while you were always in the background. Years passed while we talked casually and had conversations. And it didn't hit me until my trip to Tehran some months ago, who you rea

The night Allah redirected my heart back to Rafiq was just a baby step in my awakening journey. But before I dive into my awakening, I need to take you back into my marriage. Because the truth is, I was already empty long before Rafiq entered the picture. When my husband and I first got married, we were happy. We were in love. Slowly over time, that love faded, and so did the happiness. The best way to describe it that it became a loveless marriage. I questioned often "where

The pain of when Rafiq pulled away… I still remember it like it was yesterday. My world turned upside down. My happiness disappeared. My sanity slipped away. I begged him for answers.. any explanation, any closure, but I got nothing. Just silence. I couldn’t understand how everything between us could feel so good, and then suddenly change. How I could go from feeling casual about him to sobbing in pain because of him. None of it made sense. I had no answers. I had no control.

This is where the real story begins. Rafiq and I started having some issues. I began expressing how hurt I felt by his lack of initiation, how it left me feeling unwanted. My complaints piled up, until one night, he finally responded. He told me that because of all my complaints, he had started to lose interest in me. That one line felt like a gut punch. I still remember that night. I didn’t sleep at all. My body was in full-blown anxiety, my mind spiraling in every direction

It happened. We confessed. He told me the feeling was mutual and then he said more. He admitted he had felt this way for a long time. I was completely taken by surprise. In that moment, I was overwhelmed with happiness that he felt the same… but reality hit me hard. I was a married woman having an emotional and completely inappropriate conversation with another man. I had been trying so hard to get closer to Islam, closer to Allah and then this happened.The one thing a Muslim

I was falling in love, and I didn't know how to hold it in anymore. It had only been a few days and I didn't understand how this was happening to me. The friendly hangouts continued and I acted normal on the surface, but inside I was filled with anxiety, shock, and so many unspoken feelings. What was once playful and surface-level suddenly began sinking deeper into my body. I kept trying to figure out what Rafiq was feeling- if he felt anything at all for me. I couldn't read

I wasn't supposed to fall in love. Not with him. And definitely not in three days. This post is hard to write because I am still healing from the fall. But here goes nothing. A few years after getting married, I had a trip planned to Pakiatan for a few weeks. I had no idea a wave was waiting to hit me the moment I landed there. As soon as I arrived to Pakistan, a few mutual friends, along with Rafiq, started hanging out regularly, almost back to back. Just a group of "friends

There he was. Always in the background. Rafiq- my childhood friend, tucked away in my homeland, Pakistan. We’d spent years like that; casually checking in, exchanging memes, laughing at the randomness of life. I was always fond of him. He was always fond of me in that sweet, platonic way. At some point he got married, but he wasn't happy or fullfilled in his marriage. He always used to complain to me and I used to give him hope and advice. I always made dua for his happiness.

Sometimes in life, we’re so sure we’ve made the right decision; so sure that the outcome has to reflect that. Right? Wrong. I thought I had done all the thinking, all the re-thinking. I thought I had covered every angle. I was convinced that this man was my end game. That nothing could ever shake what I felt. But then one day, without warning, something in my heart flipped. And I didn’t understand it. I started questioning myself; my sanity, my nature, my character. Maybe I h

I met my husband in my 20s, in a small city tucked somewhere in the heart of the U.S. We fell in love fast. The kind of love they write about in novels and script into movies; soft, sweeping, and cinematic. It felt like a dream unfolding in real life. And for once, I didn’t overthink it. I’ve always been the kind of girl who pauses at every decision, weighing every option a hundred times. But with him, I didn’t need to. I was sure, infact certain that he was my forever. That