Fear Of Facing Rafiq, Again.

My stay at Casablanca came to an end and Zaria had a ticket back to our home country. But for me, the journey wasn’t over yet.

My ticket was booked for Tehran, Iran.. where Rafiq was. I had originally planned to go to Tehran to visit my relatives, but during my stay in Casablanca, Rafiq’s parents called me.

They’d heard about my plan and insisted that I come stay at their house for a week.

I was torn. A part of me ached to go..to be near Rafiq again, to feel even a trace of relief from the heartbreak. I longed to see him, to hear his voice, to have him speak to me, even if only once more.

But another part of me felt deeply uneasy. How could I face him after everything that happened? After all the silence and the distance? And how would he face me..after breaking my heart the way he did?

Still, I knew my choice to go there wasn't just 'my own.' It was Allah's orchestration. Allah was taking me back to Rafiq's land.. his house.. infront of him. I knew in my soul it was happening for a reason. I didn’t understand the reason- and I accepted that maybe I wouldn’t understand it until much later.

I was expecting the worst. I was mentally preparing for him to ignore me completely, the same way he did over the phone.

I had read stories about awakened women..some who reunited with the masculine, others who received closure.

I thought maybe this would be that trip for me- the one that finally revealed the truth.

I was skeptical.. not all stories led to a clear answer. Some stories I read were about awakened women travelling to the man's land and getting no answer and leaving with confusion.

Maybe that would be me too..I didn’t know.

Was Allah's unveiling of Rafiq true?

Was Rafiq just a mirror?

Was this reunion, or closure?

Or would it remain an unfinished story?

I remember sitting at the airport in Casablanca after saying goodbye to Zaria. I was so afraid. Afraid of knowing the truth. I was mentally imagining the worst case scenario.. that all of this was just a lesson.

That Rafiq was just a catalyst/mirror. That Allah will give me closure during my stay with him.

A part of me was so scared of knowing the truth to the point I was even convincing myself to cancel my ticket and fly back home. I was scared to face Rafiq again.. actually, I was afraid to face the truth- whatever it was.

And so, with trembling courage, I decided to go through with this trip and have the courage to see whatever it is that Allah wanted to show me in Rafiq's land.

I didn't know what my story was. What my outcome was. But in order to find out.. I had to go back to Iran. I had to face Rafiq.. again.