Telling My Husband The Truth.

I was planning on having a conversation with my husband the day I got back. From the moment he came to pick me up at the airport, the weight of that conversation sat in my chest. I wanted to tell him about my dream.. and more importantly- tell him that in my heart, our marriage had ended.

We had talked before about the places we fell short with one another, but this time it was different. This time it wasn’t about fixing anything. It was about truth.

He was so happy when he picked me up and took me to our home. We ate food and watched TV for a little bit. I told him about my trip. The whole time I was getting so nervous because I knew I had to have this conversation but I had no idea how to initiate it.

A part of me was thinking what if I give it a day or two.. but I could not let this drag on any longer. I was battling myself- going back and forth between saying it then and there versus delaying it. Allah knew about my internal struggle.

I went to use the bathroom and a notification popped up on my phone.

"You don't need practice to try."

And I knew that was my sign.

I didn’t know what words I would use. I didn’t know how to explain the dream, the signs, the certainty I felt. I just knew I had to say it. I was just so scared of breaking his heart.

I was worried about how I will explain why I want our marriage to end.. especially when he had no idea about Rafiq- neither was I planning on telling him about this.

I came out of the bathroom and he tried to get closer to me.. and that's when I started the conversation..

I told him about my isthikhara prayers, the dream I had in Casablanca.. some of my signs..

He had a hard time understanding my awakening, but I tried my best to explain to him the dream that Allah showed me about our marriage ending, about our qadr, about my life changing.

He instantly started crying.

And so did I.

Honestly.. he didn't say much. Mostly, I talked. I tried to explain something that can’t really be explained. He listened. And when I finished, all he said was:

He just listened. And at the end he said "Well, I tried my best."

This time, he didn’t argue, he didn’t explain, he didn’t try to fix anything. He already knew. Something in him understood that this wasn’t a fight- it was the end. And even in his silence, I could feel the moment something inside him broke.

The days that followed was very difficult for me. I was in so much emotional pain. Living in the same house with my husband- who now knew that it's basically over between us and knowing how hurt he is..

It was the most difficult thing for me to live through. I actually started doubting myself. I wondered if I even had the strength to follow through. I could not even get myself to pack my bags or even think about leaving. It was too painful.

And right when I thought I wouldn't be able to move forward,

Allah brought me my mission.