I Left My Heart In Pakistan and I haven't Been Able To Get It Back.

I really wanted to record an audio for this, but I am not able to do it right now because my family is around.

The more I make dua for Allah to take Rafiq out of my heart- the more I can't get him out of my heart. The more I feel for him. The more unbearable it feels not being in Pakistan.

I’m running out of money, but my brain doesn’t even react to that anymore. It’s like the survival instinct in me has completely shut off because of how much emotional pain I’m in.

I don't have it in me to apply for even a single job today. I can't even look at the website.

I don't even want to think about it.

Because of how much emotional pain I am in.

All I can think about is Rafiq and Pakistan.

All I can think about is-

Our story.

Allah's unveiling.

The signs.

The trips.

Every single moment from beginning until now.

I have been in love before. I have been heartbroken before.

But I have never felt this feeling before.

Everything from beginning until now. My trip to Pakistan last year. Me falling for Rafiq within 3 days. Us talking for months. Him pulling away. My heartbreak. The unveiling. The signs. Literally every single thing..

I don't know how to forget it.

My heart isn't able to let it go.. I just can't.

Lately it’s been so hard just to get through the hours… to get through the days.

Living with my family makes it even harder.

I have to show up. Be present. Act like I’m functioning. Act productive.

When inside it feels like I’m dying. And nobody knows.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear into a room somewhere far away from everyone. Somewhere where I don’t have to worry about money or food or responsibilities… and just sit with this pain endlessly.

I’ve lived with this pain for so long now that it’s almost becoming comforting

It feels like the world is moving, but my heart is stuck in one place.

With Rafiq.

In Pakistan.

And every day I go back and forth between two things:

Trying to force myself to accept reality and move on because no doors are opening…

And holding on to that tiny 1% of hope that maybe- just maybe- something will still happen.

And even that hope… is slowly killing me as the days keep passing.

Who knew love could make someone feel so alive…

and at the same time make them feel completely dead inside.

It feels like I left my heart in Pakistan and I haven't been able to get it back.