I Am Dying.

I feel like I'm dying. I'm actually serious.

I can't take it anymore.

March came. And Went.

Nothing happened. And it feels like the soul has been taken out of my body.

Not sure what the purpose was of Allah showing me the signs for March for the past 9 months.

But whatever the purpose was.. I won't know.

What I do know is- nothing happened.

And that's when it hits me... that nothing in my internal world is aligning with my external life.

This is the truth.

Everything has been internal. The unveiling. The dreams. The signs.

And absolutely not a single thing in real life.

10 months have gone by... and nothing.

But there was something that kept me going.. it's when I would see the signs for 'March'.

March was my biggest sign.. I saw it more than Rafiq's name. I saw it more than the new "T" "TR" signs. I saw it more than anything at all.

I was so sure something was going to happen.

And nothing happened.

The clock hit 12 am... and just like that- the month was over. The moment came and went.

And since the- every passing moment has been pure agony. It feels like the soul has been taken out of my body.

I have no hope. I know I have said it before, but I swear on Allah.. my heart has no hope left.

I will be stuck in this.. for god knows how long.

Stuck in this confusion.

Stuck in this love.

Stuck in this desire.

Stuck in this longing.

Stuck in this loop.

Stuck in this fantasy.

Stuck in my imagination.

Stuck in my inner world.

Stuck with the signs.

Stuck with the dreams.

Stuck with the unveilings.

Stuck with the memories.

Stuck with the history.

Stuck with the story.

Stuck waking up and feeling no happiness.

Stuck going to sleep and feeling no happiness.

Stuck waiting and waiting for something to happen.

Stuck feeling disappointed every single time after nothing happens.

Stuck praying to Allah just to get silence.

Stuck giving up on my duas because nothing ever happens.

Stuck just watching the time go by. S

tuck watching the world move forward.

Stuck.

Stuck.

Stuck.

I wish I can pack my bags and get admitted to the mental hospital. I wish I can run away.

I wish I can grab my keys, get into my car, and drive away without anyone knowing.

I wish I can run to the airport, get on any flight, and fly away.

I wish I can run out and scream at the top of my lungs.

I wish I can grab something just anything at all and stab myself.

I know that's scary to hear.. I won't do it. I won't do any of this.

But that's how I feel.

I wish I didn't exist anymore.

And that's one dua I wish Allah would answer.