The Letter I Never Sent.

This one is for Rafiq. I did express a lot to him after he pulled away. I thought I knew the weight of what I was expressing, but maybe I didn't know the weight until now.

Rafiq-

It was always you.

You were always there.

From the first day. How did I not see it? How did I not recognize it?

Years passed, while you were always in the background. Years passed while we talked casually and had conversations.

And it didn't hit me until my trip to Tehran some months ago,

who you really were in my life.

When we first confessed, I tried to not make it bigger in my head beacuse of the circumstances. The fact that both of us were married. Everything was off-limits.

There were just too many complications.

I didn't think Allah would write this story or approve of this. I thought it was a passing temptation, but I was wrong. The thing is we spent months texting and talking over the phone. We spent months fantasizing and pouring out our emotional feelings and our truth. Again, I didn't think too deeply while it was happening.

I kept telling you over and over that I want to make my marriage work, not because that's what my heart wanted, but because I thought that was the right thing to do.

And you were so patient, so understanding.

Every single time I told you over the phone that we should limit our interactions; you simply accepted it without questioning me at all. You never showed any reaction, but I wish I knew how you actually felt deep down.

How did you actually feel all the times when I said that I wanted us to limit our conversations in order make my marriage work with my husband?

Especially after everything you and I had emotionally expressed to each other..

How did you actually feel Rafiq?

I was so stupid.. all those months.. not even realizing what you meant to me, what this meant to me, what everything we had- meant to me. It wasn't until you pulled away, that my world turned upside down. You were the one person I never thought would do that to me. You were always my safe spot even when we were just friends with no romantic feelings. You were always that friend I needed in the background all those years. And when things finally became real between us, you left.

And you never looked back.

You left me holding all the weight of what we had. I honestly have no idea if you love me at all or ever loved me. The most you expressed to me were romantic feelings, but I have no idea if you actually felt love for me. But whether you admit it to yourself or not.

It was love.

There's no way it wasn't.

There's no way I made everything up in my mind. There's no way it wasn't real. You left me hanging by myself with all our love to hold. And I was totally broken.

No- it wasn't love that started during my trip to Tehran.

It was a love that was always there to begin with.

Through all the years..

Through the gazillion days that I have known you..

From the first time that I ever laid my eyes on you..

Through all the times we spoke on the phone and had no idea any of this would happen..

Through all the conversations that we had when you told me how unhappy you were in your marriage..

Through all the times we texted casually thinking nothing of it..

Through all the times I heard your name and you heard mine in passing..

Through time, and beyond...

Because it was written. This was written.

And I hope by the time you read this.. You realize that yourself.