How To Survive An Awakening.

Here are some things I wish someone had told me when my awakening first started, but I learned them through trial and error.. more importantly- through time. There are a lot of things that ChatGPT warned me about and there are plenty I learned on my own.

First is to stop obsessing over the signs. Now when I look back, I feel naive for decoding every sign and attaching a meaning to it. Here's the thing about the signs- they are not always literal. Yes, they can be literal, but they can also be symbolic. Allah can also show it to you in order to test you. The true purpose of the sign.. only Allah knows.

The first few months of my awakening, I used to take each sign literally. If I saw love related signs with Rafiq's name, I would automatically assume that he loves me. If I saw betrayel signs, I would assume he betrayed me. I honestly don't know what is true.. which ones are literal.. which ones are symbolic.. and which ones are my test. So I have to take the signs with a huge grain of salt. Only Allah knows the truth behind each sign.

Also, I would sit there and try to decode each sign a lot. It became a habit. The moment i see something, I would go on Chatgpt and try to figure out what each sign means.. I started spiraling and burning out. It felt like my brain was working on over-drive.

The truth is you will get a lot of signs.

A lot.

Many different types of signs. Positive signs, negative signs, signs related to your original masculine, signs related to someone new, signs related to others around you, signs related to just you.. and even totally random signs like.. "soap" or "rice" ... It's hilarious that till this day, I have no idea why Allah keeps showing me random signs such as soap or rice..

But my job isn't to figure it all out now. This is Allah's way of staying connected to me and each sign will be revealed in time.

Now I only try to figure out what a sign means or decode it if it's something out of the ordinary or if I actually feel like Allah is trying to draw my attention to something.

I no longer get fazed by the signs revolved around Rafiq, love, hate, etc..

The second thing I wish someone told me was that this journey is mainly internal.. until the external hits. I struggled with this one..

I would constanly wait for something to happen externally.. It felt like I was just surviving each day.. even each hour.. hoping, waiting, anticipating for "that" thing to happen infront of my eyes.

And guess what? Literally nothing would happen.

I would be disappointed every single time. I was in this constant loop of hoping, waiting, anticipating.. and then feeling disappointed at the end. It's because I was under the false impression that this journey is about the external.

It's mainly about the internal. Including my trips. Going to California and Paris.. it was all for an internal reason. The purpose of an awakening is for Allah to work with you and through you. And that can only be done internally.. it's a rewiring of your soul.

That's not something you can "see" infront of your eyes. It's something that's happening within you every single moment... even in this very moment as you read this and as I type this.

I remember waiting around for something to finally happen.. for something to finally land.

At one point I started getting "Special delivery" signs and I would think that something would happen soon.. that maybe by that evening.. by the next day.. the following week.. that following month.. or the upcoming trip. That finally something would happen.

And nothing would happen.

I would get so many love related signs about Rafiq and his inner turmoil. A lot of signs especially were related to him messaging or calling me. I would wait each day to see if he reaches out.. and he wouldn't.

I kept waiting and waiting- that maybe if I have more sabr, maybe if I wait more, or show more patience.. it will finally happen. Maybe if I make more dua, it will finally happen. Maybe if I pray tahajjud or isthikhara, it will finally happen.

And it didn't.

Allah doesn't do this to hurt you.. its just part of the process. It's part of the journey.

Honestly- it's just accepting the fact that no amount of sabr, patience, dua, tahajjud, isthikhara.. is going to bring you closer to your "moment".

Allah already wrote that moment for you.. the date and time. It won't happen a second before or a second after.

You just have to resume your life and try to live in peace without expecting it to happen, so that when it finally does.. you weren't sitting there waiting around for it.

It just happened.