I Fell In Love With My Husband's Cousin.

I wasn't supposed to fall in love.

Not in three days.

And definitely not with him.

Rafiq- I have known him for years. He is my husband's cousin. While my husband and I were living our lives in the USA. Rafiq was 7,000 miles away in Pakistan, yet he was always a constant in our family circle. For years, he existed in the background of my life.

We’d spent years like that; casually checking in, exchanging memes, laughing at the randomness of life. I was always fond of him. He was always fond of me in that sweet, platonic way.

He got married the same year my husband and I got married, but few months apart.

I was happy in my marriage at that time, but Rafiq wasn't happy or fulfilled in his marriage.

He was stuck in his marriage beceause of family pressure. Living in pakistan made it even harder because the culture there is so centered on family duty.

There is this constant pressure to marry whoever the elders approve of. For reasons such as protecting the family name or satifying the people around you.

In a country like Pakistan and our culture in general.. feelings come last.

It's unfortunate.

He always used to complain to me and I used to give him hope and advice. I always made dua for his happiness. His soul was so pure, so deserving.

He always said this one thing:

"I just know Allah has a plan for me. I just know it. I know Allah will make a way out for me."

I didn't really understand it at that point, but I still listened.

I was always there for him.

Our relationship was always sweet and innocent.. until things changed.

I know how it looks- the family ties. The fact that he was my husband's cousin. The fact we were both already married. But I didn't plan any of this. I didn't plan to fall for him.

It just happened. And it hit me like a storm when it did.

It happened when I was least expecting it.

It happened during a trip that changed my life forever.

A few years into my marriage, my husband and I flew out to Pakistan to attend Rafiq's sister's wedding. I had no idea a wave was waiting to hit me the moment I landed there. As soon as I landed in Pakistan, I got caught up with the wedding preps for his family. I was part of dances, helped prepare for events, and just spent time with everyone.

In our culture, staying with family is just what you do. So, when my husband and I traveled to Pakistan, we stayed at Rafiq's family's home- the same house where he and his wife lived.

We were all under one roof, sharing meals, and living as one unit. But that everyday closeness became the very thing that stripped away our masks.

It was in those shared moments, with our spouses right there, that the shift began.

The first time a thought crossed my mind was during a night when my husband and I went to their backyard for a bonfire. Everyone was there. His siblings were there. Cousins were there. Others too.

Rafiq wasn't there.

Everyone showed up except for him. That's when it hit me.

The weight.

The weight of his absence.

And that is the first time ever that I questioned myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. I questioned-

Why it was bothering me that Rafiq didn't show up?

Why am I so sad that he's not there?

Why was I waiting for him to walk through the door?

Why was I excited to see him that night?

And why were these thoughts affecting me so much?

That night was the first time ever that these thoughts crossed my mind.

I tried my best to not let it affect me. Because I knew- he is my husband's cousin.

I thought to myself- I shouldn't be having these thoughts. I should never let myself go there.

The days following that; it got worse.

He spent those days caring for me, making me feel seen.

I began to notice everything. The way he said my name. The way his words were directed at me. The way he'd move, subtly, almost protectively. I wasn't sure what he felt, but as the days were going on, it was becoming more and more clear what I felt.

Until one night, the dam broke. It was during a gathering, casual and loud. Someone had just handed him some cash, and without saying a word, he walked over, stood besides me, and rotated his arm around my head to take off my nazr (evil eye) and do sadaqah.

At first I assumed he was doing it for fun or was going to do it to everyone else. Then suddenly I realized, that he only did it to me.

Something in the air shifted.

Hard.

He wasn't looking at me, yet it felt like I was being seen in a way I couldn't explain. This moment was over in seconds. No one noticed it, but I did. And that was the moment I realized.. I was falling for him.

However, it took me even longer to understand.

I wasn't just falling in love with Rafiq.

I was falling in love with Allah's plan.