The Love That Caught Me Off Guard.

I wasn't supposed to fall in love.

Not with him.

And definitely not in three days.

This post is hard to write because I am still healing from the fall.

But here goes nothing.

A few years after getting married, I had a trip planned to Tahreen for a few weeks. I had no idea a wave was waiting to hit me the moment I landed there. As soon as I arrived to Tehran, a few mutual friends, along with Rafiq, started hanging out regularly, almost back to back. Just a group of "friends" getting together. I never thought of it as anything more or less than that. One evening, we all decided to meet up at a new local cafe. Everyone showed up except for him. That's when it hit me.

The weight.

The weight of his absence.

And that is the first time ever that I questioned myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. I questioned why it was bothering me that Rafiq didn't show up. I questioned why am I so sad that he's not there. Why was I waiting for him to walk through the door? Why was I excited to see him that night? And why did it affect me so much that he wasn't there?

That night was the first time ever that these thoughts crossed my mind.

The days following that- it got worse. He spent those days caring for me, making me feel seen.

I began to notice everything. The way he said my name. The way his words were directed at me. The way he'd move, subtly, almost protectively. I wasn't sure what he felt, but as the days were going on, it was becoming more and more clear what I felt.

Until one night, the dam broke. It was during a gathering, casual and loud. Someone had just handed him some money, and without saying a word, he walked over, stood besides me, and moved his hand slowly around my head in a quiet, almost ritualistic circle.

At first I assumed he was doing it for fun or was going to do it to everyone else. Then suddenly I realized, that he only did it to me.

Something in the air shifted.

Hard.

He wasn't looking at me, yet it felt like I was being seen in a way I couldn't explain. This moment was over in seconds. No one noticed it, but I did. And that was the moment I realized.. I fell in love. However, it took me even longer to understand.

I wasn't just falling in love with Rafiq.

I was falling in love with Allah's plan.